Red, white and...blah

It's always bothered me that American "cuisine" is either deep fat-fried, stolen in part from some other country (I'm looking at you TexMex) or just plain boring. Why did we get stuck with fried fucking Oreos as the pinnacle of our culinary offerings when Thailand gets to parade around sticking Kaffir lime leaves into their coconut curries, Mexico pimps mind blowing sauces like mole and China has jellyfish salad? Don't even get me started on French food because although they are white-flag wavin' little bitches, they know how to cook. Given my general dislike of American food, it baffles me as to why I thought my experience would be different at Joe's American Bar and Grill.

Joe's is a chain and there are a bunch of different locations but Tommy and I plus his third-wheelin' best friend Taggart chose the one on Newbury street. It's right across from Stephanie's on Newbury, which is delicious, and I had a strong urge to make a U-turn and head straight into the waiting arms of some truly beautifully braised lamb shank that I knew was waiting for me in Stephanie's.

I should have made the U-turn. Joe's is a fine place to eat under four circumstances:
A. you are close to starvation or

B. you don't know any better or
C. you have no expectations
D. Yelp gave it 4 stars and you fell for it

Tommy and I were consequences of circumstance D.

Here's the basic rundown if you don't feel like reading the rest of this:
Our waitress rushed us along, the food was greasy and unimpressive, the bathroom was dirty, it was unbelievably noisy and I wouldn't go back unless it was the only restaurant left standing post-nuclear Armageddon.

Taggart was displeased to find out that the lemonade was by the glass...when we got the bill. Sneaky motherfuckers.

We ordered a nachos grande appetizer and it was, in true American fashion, grande. The calorie count on the thing could have fed all of Somalia. It wasn't bad, but I am a snob and found the ice-cream shaped globs of sour cream and guacamole on top of the nacho  mountain unappetizing.

Taggart got a sirloin and mashed potatoes, Tommy got fish and chips and I ordered a chicken Caesar salad. When our meals got to the table, it was immediately clear that plating was not something they covered in training the line cooks. I actually laughed when our waitress set down Tag's plate:







They also don't know what medium-rare looks like; Taggart said his steak was reasonably overdone, if not well seasoned. He said the mashed potatoes were good though.

Tommy's fish and chips were equally unimpressive. Though he ate most of them, he said the breading-to-fish ratio was lacking, and he prefers a thicker coating of breadcrumbs on his fish and chips.

My salad was laughable, but maybe I deserved what I got. It was a head of iceberg lettuce, chopped and drowned in bottled Caesar dressing. The grilled chicken was fine, but I could have made better at home and I'm a terrible griller so that's saying something.

I'm always a lot more picky than Tommy but I think the issue with Joe's is really that what we call "American" is really just other country's food done poorly. Fish and chips is British, nachos are (ostensibly) Latin, Caesar salad was Italian long ago. And no one country can really claim 'steak' as a native food. Beyond the bad cooking, the rushed feeling of the meal, the dirty paper towels all over the floor of the bathroom, it was inauthentic. If you're going to serve burgers and fries, do it well. If you're going to serve TexMex or quasi-Italian, do it well. It would also be nice if I could find a truly American restaurant serving native American cuisine. Now that is a culinary adventure I look forward to.

Rating:
2 stars

http://www.joesamerican.com/index.cfm/page/Home