Chocolate wasted

Happy second full day of Passover! And by 'happy' I really mean how depressed are you today? I swear, we have a huge jar of Utz's pretzel rods sitting on our fridge that hasn't tempted me since the day my roommate brought it home from Costco but now it mocks me every time I walk into the kitchen. I hate this holiday. The only saving grace of matzoh is that it lends itself to being covered in things: namely chocolate and toffee and other delicious confections. This is a very basic recipe for Passover toffee that gets pulled out every year, and for good reason. The only way to eat matzoh is if you can't taste it. Because the matzoh toffee is covered in dark chocolate, it goes well with any sort of red wine. L'chaim to that.


Passover Toffee:

4 or 5 pieces of matzoh
1 C. white sugar
1 C. butter
10-14 oz. bittersweet chocolate chips
1 C. chopped pecans or sliced almonds (optional)







1. Cover cookie sheet with foil
2. Cover foil with the matzoh
3. Melt the sugar and the butter on the stove over low heat, stirring occasionally
4. When the sugar and butter are completely melted, increase heat and boil for 3-4 minutes until the mixture turns a light brown
5. Pour butter/sugar mixture over the matzoh
6. Sprinkle the chocolate chips over the top, enough to cover (plus a little more)
7. Heat for 5 minutes at 400 degrees to melt the chocolate chips
8. Remove from oven and spread chocolate with an offset spatula
9. Cover with the sliced almonds or chopped pecans
10. Let cool until all the chocolate has hardened, then crack into pieces

Too fruity to function

As any good Jew or moderately knowledgeable goy knows, Passover starts this Friday at sundown. Cue funeral march.

I love being Jewish because, face it, we're just plain better (if you want to argue just go look at a picture of Natalie Portman and eat some brisket) but Passover BLOWS. I'm all for getting out of Egypt and sticking it to Pharaoh but leavened bread is the greatest thing since the 10 plagues. And giving it up for 8 days, substituting delicious and fluffy bread items with cardboard (matzoh) that sits in your stomach for at least a week after Pesach ends is the pits.

In short, Pesach is a sad and bloated time for me. I pine after Life cereal and massage my stomach, counting the days until I can throw away every piece of Passover-related food in my kitchen and dance around with a hunk of bread in one hand and a doughnut in the other. And I don't even really like doughnuts. That's how much matzoh meal gets to me.

While I can't give any cure to hating unleavened bread less, I can make your stomach stop hurting quite so badly with the ugliest recipe I know of: fruit compote.

It's just every dried fruit in my kitchen with a few healthy teaspoons of cinnamon and a splash of orange juice that's been simmered away for at least an hour. It's easy and tasty and, as an added bonus will make your house smell good. Don't eat too much at once though or you will be very sorry. FFTFW.

Fruit Compote 

Ingredients:

Prunes, raisins, apricots or whatever other dried fruits you have on hand (the more variety the better)

1/2 C orange juice, plus more if needed

3-4 heaping tsp. cinnamon (depends on amount of fruit)

1. Put all fruits in a big stockpot

2. Cover with water, add ½ Cup of orange juice

3. Add cinnamon, stir

4. Cover and let come to a boil

5. Reduce heat, then let simmer for at least an hour

6. If liquid dissipates, add more orange juice

World's Best Kugel

This recipe for kugel (Jewish noodle casserole) has been in my family for something like three generations. It is unbeatable, and don't try to argue because you'll be wrong. It's legitimately idiot-proof and keeps forever in the fridge or freezer. I almost dare you to try and fuck it up, because you can't. Anyway, recipe as follows:

8 oz. Manischewitz egg noodles, cooked
6 oz. cream cheese
6 tbs. butter
3 eggs
1 c. milk, plus a little more
2 tbs. onion flakes
1 c. vermicelli, broken into little pieces.

1. Beat together cream cheese, half the butter, eggs and milk.

2. Mix with noodles, then pour into a greased 9 x 13 baking dish

3. Melt remaining butter in a saute pan. Saute onion flakes and vermicelli until brown and spread on top of kugel

4. Bake at 350 degrees for 30-45 minutes or until knife inserted into the center comes out clean.

5. FFTFW -- feel free to futz (screw around) with this; increase ingredients and spices to taste, add other cheeses if you like.