Mad Dills

Memorial Day weekend is a fantastic occasion for a number of reasons. Aside from the fact that it is an important time to honor and give thanks to all of our servicewomen and men for risking their lives (and don't you forget it -- beer comes second to this), it also serves as the start of grilling season.

Grillers, light your coals.

MDW is a culinary smorgasbord of crispy charred meats dripping with cheese. There are few things more inherently satisfying than a charbroiled burger with a fat slice of cheddar oozing over the sides. Lord have mercy.

Obviously all the classic grilled meats will come into play this weekend, but we would be loath to ignore the side dish on a weekend like this.

Sadly, hotdogs and hamburgers are the perennial stars and side dishes become congealed mayonnaisey afterthoughts, typically picked up at your neighborhood Jewel-Osco.

Let's change that this year. Let's say yes to cornbread, yes to bright and briny bean salads, yes to properly constructed slaws!

Preach, LL

I typically hate slaws -- more often than not they are overly sweet, drowning in mayo and hopelessly limp even before they've sat under the blazing sun for a few hours. The thing is, a good slaw is an excellent counterpoint to a hunk of grilled meat. Creamy, crunchy and tangy, meet greasy, chewy and juicy. Truly, a match made in heaven and a relationship that has lasted longer than 100% of Bachelor(ette) marriages.

This is a recipe for a beautifully simple and deliriously easy dill slaw. It doesn't have any white sugar or weird ingredients in it, and it'll go even faster if you get a bag of pre-shredded cabbage and carrots. Feel free to adjust the levels of seasoning, but remember that a slaw should be fairly mild so it doesn't overpower the main players.


Ingredients:
1 medium head green cabbage, shredded
1 c. shredded carrot
1 c. shredded radicchio (optional -- if added, increase mayo as needed)
3/4 c. mayonnaise
1 tbs. white vinegar
2 tbs. fresh dill, minced
Freshly ground black pepper to taste

1. Combine mayo, vinegar, dill and black pepper in a small bowl. Whisk to combine. Adjust seasoning to taste.

2. In a large bowl, mix together the cabbage and carrots until evenly incorporated. Fold in dill mayo and mix until well coated.

Puff Daddy

In my very educated opinion, no breakfast is complete without an egg. Be they scrambled, poached (in the dead of night, natch), sunny-side up or in an omelette, the egg is king of the breakfast castle.

Americans are all about the egg as part of a balanced breakfast but my Spanish school kids look at me like I'm loca when I say I had an egg on toast before coming to school.

What Spaniards have embraced, by contrast, is egg for every OTHER meal of the day, typically by way of tortilla española: an egg casserole filled with thinly sliced potatoes and, maybe, a little onion. Tortilla by itself is great but as far as I'm concerned, 90% of foods could seriously benefit from some cheese. Also, it's kind of a lot of work to make what with the slicing of the potatoes etc. etc. etc.

Therefore, I present to you a staple of the Suss family brunch, served year-round (except Passover). It's cheesy and full of saturated fat and a little spicy too. Best of all, it takes exactly 5 minutes to put together. Not to mention it refrigerates perfectly and reheats like magic. Serve it for any get-together, make it on a Sunday for easy weekday breakfasts or eat it for dinner with a simple green salad (aren't you classy!). Now without further ado...chili cheese egg puff.

Ingredients:

5 eggs
1/4 c. all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1 c. cottage cheese
2 c. shredded Monterey Jack cheese
1/4 c. melted butter
1 tsp. crushed reds (or to taste)
1/2 tsp. freshly ground black pepper

1. Preheat oven to 350F. Grease an 8x8 baking dish.

2. In a large bowl, beat eggs well. Stir in the rest of the ingredients and pour into prepared pan.

3. Bake for 35-45 minutes or until top is brown and puffy and a knife inserted into the center comes out clean. Serve immediately.

Orange You Glad...

...I'm not going to finish that horrible joke? The temptation was significant, let me tell you.

Sorry for the brief hiatus but Tommy and I decided to go to Switzerland for a long weekend. Yes, I know, I am living the dream. Also they really do know their chocolate and cheese out there.

Were it not for the fact that it is the most absurdly expensive place I've ever been, I would totally move there. Gorgeous scenery, amazing food and the cleanest bathrooms I've ever seen. Everywhere we went. Seriously. As those close to me can tell you, this is very important to me. In other news, after eating gruyere fondue in Gruyere (heh), The Melting Pot is totally ruined for me.

As fun as the weekend was, it was expensive and pretty darn heavy as far as culinary options go. We did manage to eat a ton of ethnic food however which made me incredibly happy. Thai, Indian and Ethiopian (Tommy's first time!) were all happily consumed. Especially the Ethiopian food. Those people know their way around a lentil, let me tell you.

Therefore, Tommy and I have wanted to keep things pretty light since we got home. Lots of fresh fruits and veggies, not quite as much chocolate (but really still kind of a lot...whatever). This is a whacked-out quasi-fruit salad that makes fantastic use of the wealth of citrus fruits we are blessed with out here, plus the overwhelming supply of olives. It sounds like a strange and even unappetizing combination but trust me, the sweet/sour/salty flavors play together in the nicest possible way.

Additionally, you don't have to cut the oranges into supremes (the fancy way to say peeled wedges) but it makes consumption easier and looks really pretty. Here's a good step-by-step tutorial if you're interested.

It's worth it to use good quality olive oil if you have it for this recipe. A bright, grassy flavor will play best with the citrus. If not, good old extra-virgin will do as well.

This is a great side dish and would pair well with most whitefish and maybe couscous. In fact, that sounds pretty damn good for dinner tonight. This also works best if it sits briefly (30 minutes, give or take) to let the flavors really meld. If you have culinarily adventurous friends, this would make an awesome potluck dish: you will look like a super inventive chef and you don't even have to tell them it only took 15 minutes to put together.

Ingredients:
4-5 oranges (mix of navel, blood, etc.), cut into supremes
1/2 c. pitted green olives, roughly chopped
1/2 red onion, chopped
1/4 c. good-quality olive oil
2-3 tbs. fresh chives, finely minced

1. Carefully supreme your oranges, or alternatively, slice them into thin rounds.

2. Combine the oranges, green olives and red onion in a medium sized bowl and drizzle with the olive oil, mixing to combine.


3. Refrigerate for about 30 minutes. Add chives just before serving.

Undercover Lovers

Here's the thing about most foods -- they are at least 46% tastier when dipped or coated in a sauce. That's a verifiable, scientific fact. Look it up. I'm an expert when it comes to sauces. From tangy-sweet balsamic glazes to blow-your-head off curry sauces to unrepentantly garlicky dips, I love a good dunk.

But sauces shouldn't be limited to the savory realm of foods. In fact, I would like to take it upon myself to help reinvent the sad state of the dessert sauce. I feel like every time I get a dessert in a restaurant it comes with some sad, jarred "caramel" sauce that tastes more like fake vanilla flavor than anything resembling true caramel or a pathetic swatch of raspberry jam that's been reduced with a splash of lemon juice. PUH-LEEZ (insert Liz Lemon eye-roll here).

This whole issue is part of a larger theme in the restaurant industry of laziness and boredom when it comes to the dessert menu, a topic I will touch upon at a later point in time.  But I am here to rectify, in a small part, that hideous trend of jarred pseudo-creativity.

And therefore I bring you a quick and easy dessert that combines a trio of nature's most compatible flavors, perfect for a quick snack or as an indulgent breakfast topping. Easy enough that you could make it right now, healthy enough that you won't feel bad about not sharing, tasty enough that you won't even think it's healthy: frozen banana slices nestled under a dark-chocolate peanut butter sauce.

I know this doesn't push the envelope all too much in terms of sensationally creative thinking but at least everything here is made from scratch. I highly recommend making your own peanut butter if you have a blender or a food processor; it's incredibly easy and, if you can buy nuts in bulk, far cheaper than store-bought.

Make sure you cover the baking sheets with parchment or waxed paper before freezing the banana slices or they will stick to the metal forever. Additionally, feel free to top the banana slices with your choice of add-ons: crushed nuts, shredded coconut, cacao nibs, carob bites -- the choice is wholly yours. Just make sure you freeze them through completely before eating. You can also use milk chocolate if you aren't vegan or skip the peanut butter if it's not your style.

With hot weather right around the corner, these are a fantastic alternative to calorie and preservative-laden ice cream treats. I won't tell Ben and Jerry if you don't tell Häagen and Dazs.

Ingredients:

2-3 ripe (but not mushy) bananas, sliced into 1/2 inch rounds
1/2 c. smooth, unsalted peanut butter
8 oz.  bittersweet chocolate, roughly chopped
3-4 tbs. your choice of toppings (see above)

1. Arrange the banana slices on a large baking sheet covered with waxed or parchment paper.

2. Melt the chocolate over medium-low heat in a double-broiler until completely smooth. Alternatively you can melt it in 30-second intervals in the microwave, but watch it carefully so it doesn't burn.

3. Carefully whisk in the peanut butter until completely incorporated.

4. Using a fork or whatever kitchen implement you find easiest, (kebab skewer? toothpick?) dunk the banana slices into the chocolate mixture and coat evenly. Shake off any extra chocolate sauce.

5. Sprinkle banana slices with your choice of toppings and freeze until solid, about 2 hours.

I Can't Believe it's Not (Peanut) Butter!

Here is a true fact about me: I am wholly, unabashedly, potentially dangerously, unrepentantly addicted to peanut butter.

I have been known to eat it with a spoon straight out of the jar...at someone else's house.

Seriously, I might have a problem.

So much so that I made Tommy bring a 1 lb. jar of Whole Foods All Natural Crunchy to Spain with us (taking the place of several very important things he intended to pack). NOT SORRY.

My sainted mother sent me another jar just a few months later and we had been portioning it out (read: I was not allowed to stick a soup spoon in there for breakfast) until further supplies could be located.

But then Tommy got me/us a blender for Valentine's Day. Romantic, I know. No seriously, he knew how much I wanted one. And in between hummus and velvety-smooth soups, Tommy decided to make peanut butter.

And make peanut butter he did. This is without question the best peanut butter I've ever tasted. Between the two of us we were taking "healthy fats" to a whole new level. It was getting somewhat worrisome. Everything went out the window when he added a whole bar of dark chocolate to the last batch. I don't even have words for it. I was almost mad at him, it was that good.

Then Tommy decided he was going to make almond butter. I am a big fan. Not only is it a fun change from my BFFPB but it is also crazy delicious in its own right. Huge shoutout to MaraNatha which makes my current favorite basic almond butter.

We decided to get fancy with it and make vanilla almond butter with cinnamon and while we nearly set the blender on fire, the butter was DEFINITELY worth the squeeze. Would we make it again without a proper food processor? No, probably not. It was a pain. But once I get back to Chicago, all bets are off.

Also fun fact, almond butter is Kosher for Passover whereas peanut butter is not. I know. Worst holiday ever. At least Yom Kippur is only one day of torture.

A quick note: be patient with the poor almonds. It takes about 15 minutes for the butter to really get going. Don't give up on them.

Ingredients:
2 c. raw almonds
2 tbs. honey
1 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. sea salt

1. Carefully toast the almonds in a large saucepan over medium-low heat until fragrant, about 5 minutes. Watch them carefully so they don't burn. Let cool.

2. In a blender or a food processor, combine all the ingredients.

3. Pulse until the almonds are grainy and pretty finely ground, about 1-2 minutes. Scrape down the sides as needed.

4. Let the blender/food processor run for about 10-15 minutes until the oils start to release. Again, scrape down the sides as needed, and again BE PATIENT.

Enjoy on toast, apple slices or a spoon.

Rosemary's Baby

I know I just posted yesterday, but I'm sick and I'm bored and I really don't feel like studying for my Spanish certification exam so consider yourselves very lucky.

That being said, because I am sick and cranky and can't hear out of my left ear, this will not be a fun and bubbly post. I'm too grumpy.

Anyway.

Sometimes I get all into making a fancy main course like a whole roasted chicken or shepherd's pie (coming soon to a blog near you) and I end up with zero inspiration for the side dishes.

I'm already worn out from ripping errant tail feathers out of a chicken carcass or attempting to skin fish so the last thing I want to do is whip up a batch of cranberry and almond wild rice or make some homemade mashed potatoes.

Therefore, I bring you these little gems. They're beyond easy and also, happily, beyond delicious: they're rosemary and garlic smashed potatoes. I made these to go along with some baked salmon for Tommy and he's been asking me to make more ever since. I recommend making a large batch because not only do they reheat exceptionally well but they would also be fantastic as part of a breakfast skillet with sausage, eggs and asparagus.

Do yourself a favor and only use fresh rosemary for these. If you try and use dried the flavor won't be the same at all really and they won't be great. Also, don't overcook the taters when you boil them or they'll just fall apart during the baking stage.

Also fun, these are kosher for Passover! I know, that hideous holiday is creeping right up on us. Because my parents are the world's greatest and my mother is Queen of the Care Package, I received a box of Manischewitz goodies including egg matzoh, matzoh ball soup mix and honey cake. I'm going to try to keep K4P but we'll see how that goes. At least I can inflict some minor damage on my intestinal system with the supplies my parents sent me. I'm so loved.

Ingredients:
10 small red potatoes, scrubbed
1/3 c. EVOO
2 tsp. fresh rosemary, chopped
3 medium cloves garlic, minced
1/2 tsp. sea salt
1/4 tsp. freshly ground black pepper.

1. In a large pot, bring water to a boil. Cook the potatoes, completely covered in water, until tender--about 20 to 25 minutes.

2.  Remove the potatoes, cool and drain on a clean dish towel for a few minutes. Preheat the oven to 450 and line a baking sheet with foil or parchment paper.

3. Carefully smash the tops of each of the potatoes with a measuring cup or the palm of your hand (carefully!!!) until each potato is about 1.5" thick.

Drizzle the EVOO evenly over and under all the potatoes and distribute the garlic, rosemary, salt and pepper among them.

4. Bake until crispy and golden brown, about 25 to 30 minutes.

I'm Quin(oa) on You

If you know me at all, you know that I'm more than just keen on quinoa. I frickin love that stuff, and I don't know why. Maybe it's the nutty, toasty taste or the slightly crunchy texture. Maybe it's the 45 grams of fiber per serving or the crazy amounts of protein. Maybe it's just because I feel like I did hot yoga for 6 hours after eating just one serving of it (seriously, there's no better way to feel superior than to eat quinoa).

Sadly, Spain has not jumped on the grain train quite yet. Apart from the ubiquitous rice and couscous, (the food so nice they named it twice) it's hard to find any cool grains out here. Luckily, I have a mother who loves me and she sent me a bag of quinoa in a care package. Good thing too, because the last care package had about 4 pounds of Halloween candy in it.

As such, I have been carefully parceling this quinoa out serving by serving, hoping to make it last as long as possible. Then I created this recipe and it all went out the window. This recipe is so good it's a double-edged sword. I call it a power bowl because it has every ingredient you need to power through a long day or re-energize after a workout. Tommy thinks that name is pretentious and it sort of is but what do you expect from a girl who wants her funeral to be held at Whole Foods?

The way I make this recipe is vegan but if you want to add chicken, go for it. A lot of other vegetables would taste good too: snow peas, bean sprouts, edamame, you name it. The sauce itself is also pretty flexible in terms of spice and sweetness. I like a relatively even balance of flavors but it's totally up to you.

To save time I usually stab the sweet potato with a fork a few times and stick it in the microwave for 5 minutes or so. If you do that, this recipe only takes about 20 minutes to put together completely.

Eating this power bowl makes you feel kind of absurdly healthy so feel free to combat that with a dozen or so Oreos. It's what I like to do.

NOTE: I did have more and better pictures of them but this genius lost them somewhere on the depths of her computer. Stay tuned.

Ingredients:
For the Bowl:
1 c. quinoa, cooked according to instructions
1 medium sweet potato, steamed until soft and cubed
2 c. broccoli florets
2 c. raw baby spinach
1 c. firm tofu, drained and cubed
1 tbs. ginger, minced
2 cloves garlic, minced
Kosher salt and pepper to taste
2 tbs. neutral flavored cooking oil

For the Sweet and Spicy Sauce:
1 tbs. Sriracha
1 tsp. honey
1 tbs. sunflower seed oil
1 tbs. sesame seed oil
Juice of 1/4 lemon

1. Heat the oil in a large sautee pan over medium-low heat until it shimmers. Add the garlic and ginger and cook for about a minute, stirring constantly. Add the broccoli, stir, cover and cook for about 3 minutes or until bright green.

2. Meanwhile, season the tofu cubes all over with kosher salt and pepper. Add to the sautee pan with the broccoli and cook, stirring often, until the tofu is golden brown.

3. Add the spinach at the very end and cook just until wilted. Mix all ingredients together in a large bowl with the quinoa and cubed sweet potato.

To make the sauce: combine all ingredients in a small bowl and whisk well to combine. Pour over the power bowl, whisking constantly.

U-G-L-Y You Ain't Got No Alibi

Not all food is pretty. More specifically, not all GOOD food is pretty. Examples like three-bean chili, almost any form of stew and oysters leap to mind. Tastes good, looks like dog food. Such a pain to photograph.

To quote Jonathan Swift (who was surprisingly sassy): "He was a brave man who first eat an oyster."

But just because dinner is ugly doesn't mean you should hate. Embrace the homely. Encourage it to pluck its eyebrows and dress for its body type. Try and arrange it lovingly on a bed of rice or quinoa. Wait. I'm confused.

This is my best Catholic friend who is giving up everything for Lent. 

In honor of one of my best friends who is giving up all things delicious for Lent, (including meat, eggs, fish, cheese, refined carbs and beer) dinner tonight is a quick red-bean stew. It's super-fast, vegan, malleable and keeps well in the fridge. It's vaguely reminiscent of bean chili but with less of a Tex-Mex flavor profile.

I've served it over rice and quinoa both but feel free to experiment with other grains like farro and freekeh. Make sure to use something with good texture though because otherwise it'll be a big pile of mush. If you're feeling fancy it would also pair well with cornbread.

Feel free to adjust the spice levels to your liking. Sweet corn, jalapeños and shredded chicken are all good additions as well. The original version of this recipe started out with cubed, seasoned chicken as one of the main ingredients but in order to keep it lower-impact Tommy and I have stuck to making it vegan.

Ingredients:

3 or 4 cans red beans (depending on how large a batch you'd like to make)
1 medium white onion, chopped
1 red pepper, chopped
1/2 mild green pepper, chopped
3-4 tomatoes, chopped OR 1 can diced tomatoes in juice
3 tbs. EVOO
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1/4 tsp. onion powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. freshly ground pepper
1/4 tsp. very spicy ground red pepper or crushed reds (adjust to taste -- what we've been using packs a powerful punch)
1 c. vegetable stock

1. In a large stock pot, sautee onion, green and red peppers

until the onion is starting to brown and get fragrant. Add the tomatoes and cook for another 2-3 minutes or until the tomatoes begin to break down.

2. Add all seasonings and cook for another minute or two more until flavors combine.

3. Add the beans and cook, stirring occasionally for about 20 minutes or until the beans start to break down. Add the stock and stir to combine. Let simmer for another 5 minutes or so. Serve over rice/quinoa/etc.

NOTE: Tommy likes to mash the beans against the side of the pot to give it a smoother texture. I personally prefer leaving the beans whole but it's up to you.

Mini Me

Unless you live under a rock, you know that Valentine's day is coming up. This Saturday. Boys, that gives you three whole days to scrape together a halfway decent present.

And FYI, if you go to Jared, she's going bye now. Seriously, have some self respect.

And while I'm on the subject, every kiss might begin with "K" but every fight does too. Even if the jewelry from Kay's wasn't fugly, I don't think I could buy it because their advertisements are so damned painful to watch.

But anyway, sometimes you don't have the dinero to buy your S.O. heart-shaped bling or whatever sentimental tchotchke. That's why it's helpful to know how to cook, regardless of your gender.

I know it sounds all repressed and 1950s but ladies, knowing how to cook a nice meal says so much more than "I have my MRS. degree and I am frothing at the mouth to bear your children." It also says: "I took the time to make something nice for you that you can't buy in a store" and "I know what you like to eat besides a spicy chicken sandwich from Chik-Fil-A." It's personal and sweet and that old adage that the way to a boy's heart is through his stomach is TRUE with a bullet. How do you think I've landed all my boyfriends? Not just with my feminine wiles and biting wit. Nothing says settle down and date me like a dozen banana muffins with cinnamon pecan topping.


A nice girl knocks on a boy's front door and waits there. A smart girl goes around back with a freshly-frosted cake and climbs in through a window.

Or you know, does her own thing and doesn't wait around for some dude. Either way.

And boys, being able to cook a few nice things looks very good on your transcript too. Because a sad number of millennial males are total bozos in the kitch, if you can throw together a reasonable plate of chicken and veggies (or really anything besides boxed pasta) you are in like sin. Plus you look cute in an apron.


Therefore I present to you mini frittatas. They are easy as anything, look adorable, and take very little effort. Although I strongly discourage breakfast in bed for a number of reasons (crumbs in the sheets, everything gets cold, hard to get comfortable with a loaded tray on your knees), these are perfect for a late breakfast or brunch. Depending on when you wake up. Ahem.

All you have to do is slice up some fruit, toast some nice crusty bread or shell out for decent pastries and you have a damn fine meal on your hands. It's less stressful than having to cook a whole dinner and they keep well in the fridge too. Can you say breakfast on the go? They're also easily customizable so load them up with anything and everything you can think of. Broccoli, cheddar, peppers, sausages, ham chunks, tomatoes, spinach, feta, green onions -- the frittata is your oyster. Which is an aphrodisiac, by the way.


Ingredients:
(Makes about 16)

8 eggs
1/4 c. skim milk
1/4 c. chopped fresh spinach
1/4 c. cubed feta
1 medium tomato, cubed
1/2 c. red pepper, cubed
1/3 c. onion, diced and divided
1 spicy sausage (andouille, chorizo) link or 2-3 small breakfast sausages
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

1. Grease a muffin tin and preheat the oven to 350.

2. In two separate pans, gently sautée the spinach with half the onion and the red pepper and sausage with the other half until cooked through.

3. In a large bowl, beat the eggs until blended but not too frothy. Add the milk, salt and pepper to taste and whisk again.

4. Divide the egg mixture among the muffin cups, filling each about one-third of the way

Add your fillings of choice, and finish with more egg.

5. Bake for about 20 minutes or until firm in the center. Run a butter knife around the frittata to loosen and serve immediately.

Fritters, Not Quitters

Yesterday morning I woke up with a sore throat.

Yesterday afternoon I felt like a truck hit me.

Last night, I was reasonably sure death was imminent.

Then this morning, when Tommy and I awoke to an extended barrage of cannon fire at exactly 9:15, I was sure we were both done for. But apparently that was just for some unknown festival.

I still felt miserable when Tommy rolled out of bed and inquired about breakfast. Before coming down with this stupid cold, I had said I would make him banana fritters with fresh strawberry sauce. He gallantly told me I didn't have to cook, that I could just tell him what to do, but I decided to soldier on. Strawberry sauce was perhaps a bit far-reaching but I could handle the fritter.

Let me pause here a moment to discuss briefly the lowly fritter. It's just an ingredient of your choice mushed up with egg and flour and fried to golden, crunchy perfection. My Auntie Jasmine is from Jamaica and she makes the finest banana fritters known to man. They're so light and crunchy that if you don't grab one right off the bat they'll rise up and float away. I have no idea how she does it. Everything that woman cooks is magic. Don't even get me started on her chicken curry.

Because I have watched her make them about 6 dozen times, I know the drill. Mashed up bananas, eggs, flour, milk and a generous shake or two of cinnamon and nutmeg. Don't let them burn.

It's not hard.

And what you end up with is a tiny, self-contained banana-bread type thing that combines all the best parts of breakfast foods: crunchy, a little greasy, sweet and piping hot. Even with a throat coated in glass shards and a head full of gunk (where in the sam hill does it all come from??? QUESTIONS THAT NEED ANSWERS) I can make banana fritters. And you can too. Happy Sunday.

Ingredients:
(Makes about 6 3-inch fritters)
3 bananas, roughly mashed
2 eggs
2 heaping tbs. flour
Splash of milk
Hefty pinch of cinnamon
Smaller pinch of nutmeg
1/2 c. vegetable oil

1. Combine banana, egg and flour in a medium bowl, mash to combine.

2. Heat oil in a large, high-sided skillet over medium-low heat.

3. Add milk just to wet the mixture, it shouldn't be too runny. Add cinnamon and nutmeg.

4. Using a 1/4 measuring cup, drop the batter into the hot oil.

Let cook for about a minute on each side, or until golden brown. Drain on paper towels. Sprinkle with more cinnamon and drizzle with honey if desired.

Faux Sho

If you know anything about me, you know that I'm not about the faux unless it's fur. I don't wear knockoff designers and nothing makes my lip curl like fake Armani Code perfume. I'm sorry, but it smells like a baby prostitute. And typically that fake Gucci bag looks just that--fake. I'd much rather have my no-name bag that I paid a reasonable price for and that won't fall apart after three months than a questionable representation of the greatest the fashion world has to offer.

Because let's not kid ourselves, everybody can tell.

Sometimes, however, you just have to go faux. Fur is a notable example because unless you live in Saskatchewan, Russia or the North Pole, it's just not cold enough to warrant wearing a dead animal. Yes, I'm judging your chinchilla coat. I would throw red paint on you too, you heartless wench. My future chinchilla George Costanza and I hate your guts.

Another slightly less politically-charged reason to go faux is if you can't digest spaghetti Alfredo but are having a terrible craving for it.

Wait, what?

Oh yes indeed--faux spaghetti Alfredo is on the menu tonight and it is goddamn delicious with about a third of the calories. Plus spinach!

Since normal Alfredo uses a ton of butter and heavy cream, I can't eat it unless I want to be miserable for anywhere between the next four and 24 hours. This alternative, "faux" spaghetti Alfredo nicely captures the richness of the sauce with its combo of cheeses while not sacrificing too much in the flavor department. It's not an exact replica but I would say it's pretty close. And because it's not so fattening, you can eat more of it! Isn't that how the whole healthy eating thing works?

The recipe is incredibly easy but does involve blending to make the sauce smooth so be prepared for that. Whisking will not cut it.

Feel free to adjust seasonings as you see fit. This recipe would work equally well with fresh garlic as garlic powder (maybe even better) and you can nix the crushed reds for a more traditional flavor. I just put them in everything. You can also use whole grain spaghetti if you hate both yourself and food.

Ingredients:
1/2 lb. spaghetti, cooked al dente
1/4 c. reduced fat cottage cheese
1/2 c. plain nonfat yogurt
3/4 c. milk
1/4 c. fresh parmesan cheese, finely grated plus more for serving
1/2 tsp. each kosher salt, fresh ground pepper, garlic powder
1/4 tsp. crushed reds
2-3 c. raw spinach, rinsed and drained

1. Combine cottage cheese, yogurt, milk and parmesan in a medium pot. Heat over medium heat, whisking constantly until it reaches a simmer. Add spices and whisk again to combine.

2. Remove from heat and blend carefully until very smooth. Return to pot and add cooked spaghetti, mixing to combine over low heat.

3. Add the raw spinach to the pot. Stir and cover for about two minutes, or until spinach is wilted. Serve with extra grated parmesan.

Spice Up Your Life

As many of my friends know, I love a good latte.

Pumpkin spice, vanilla, plain old skim milk. My go-to Starbucks order in the winter is, 9 times out of 10, a grande skim latte with an extra shot of espresso. I have tried many of the seasonal varieties as well, with varying results. I found the eggnog latte to be palatable, but overly sweet towards the bottom. The gingerbread latte tasted like a plate of burned Christmas cookies. The toffee nut latte was absurdly delicious but definitely not worth all those calories.

Back in Alicante, I experimented with making my own pumpkin spice lattes with incredible results. I recently bought too much pumpkin for the filling of my Friendsgiving 2.0 (coming soon, I promise!) pie and decided to reserve some for later pumpkin spice lattes.

However when I slit open the vacuum-sealed package today, I was greeted with an unpleasant smell and some very squishy pumpkin. Ever the optimist, I rinsed the pumpkin and steamed it briefly in the hopes that it would perk up. It didn't. It tasted like an acidic dishrag.

Into the trash it went.

But I really, really wanted a pretty latte to perk up my afternoon. Unfortunately they don't have things like molasses or flavor extracts here so both homemade gingerbread and almond toffee were out. What I did have was a cabinet of spices at my disposal and some very good quality coffee, so I decided to experiment.

What I came up with was delicious: a combination of warming, wintery spices and strong-verging-on-espresso coffee topped with fluffy mountains of whipped cream.

Take that, pumpkin spice. You've got competition.

I know it seems like there's almost too much seasoning in the milk but remember that the coffee is very strong and you don't want the flavors of the spices to be masked. Of course if you like your coffee weaker, add less spice.

But if you like weak coffee then I don't know if I want to be friends with you. Dunkin' Donuts drinkers, I'm looking at you. That shit is vile.

Now without further ado, I give you....winter-spiced lattes.

PS: aside from coffee-brewing time, these take about 5 minutes to put together. That's less time than you would have to wait at your local coffee joint. And you don't have to change out of your pajamas.

Ingredients
2 c. milk
1 1/2 c. strong, freshly brewed coffee
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1/4 tsp. ground cloves
2 tbs. vanilla extract
Whipped cream and another pinch of cinnamon to finish, if desired (you're a monster if you don't want whipped cream on this latte, just saying)

1. In a medium saucepan, combine milk and vanilla extract. Whisk well to combine.

2. Add spices and scald milk (heat until it's too hot to comfortably dip a finger in).

3. Combine coffee and milk mixture in two mugs. Top with whipped cream and extra cinnamon.

The Doctor is In

Hello all you miserable people.

Are you clutching your stomachs in pain?

Breaking wind like New York cabdrivers: shamelessly and with abandon?

How's your digestive system doing today?

Are you still laboring under the delusion that you could digest that third plate of turkey and mashed potatoes with half a cup of gravy?

Or are you appreciating the cool tile of the bathroom floor as it ingrains itself permanently into your cheek?

Do your jaws ache from chewing?

Does your heart ache from that hideous Bears loss to the Lions (or is that just me)?

Does the thought of having to eat leftovers today cause a not-altogether-enjoyable tingle to run up your spine?

Has anyone noticed my not-so-subtle tribute to Pete Wells' legendary dismantling of Guy Fieri's abortion of a restaurant in New York City?

Would you like to know where I'm going with this?

To offset Thursday's gluttony and then Friday's leftovers orgy, I present to you a quick and simple detox soup with carrots and ginger, a natural digestive aid.

It's inexpensive, incredibly healthy and doesn't require a $400 juicer or an idiotic cleanse.

By the way--juicing is not good for you. Juicing takes all the fiber and most of the nutrients out of whatever you are eating. If you want to lose weight, eat more vegetables and protein and fewer refined carbohydrates. There is no miracle cure for weight loss, and your body naturally rids itself of ingested toxins with the help of your liver (REMEMBER THAT VITAL ORGAN?). So stop throwing money away on overpriced "superjuices" when you could eat a salad (no croutons, no cheese, homemade vinaigrette) and go for a 30-minute walk with better results. Okay, rant over.

Anyway, Doctor Suss says eat a nice bowl of this bright and spicy carrot-ginger detox soup, go for a light workout, get a solid 8 hours of sleep tonight and call me in the morning.

This recipe was lightly adapted from POPSugar Fitness and makes about 6 larger servings.

NOTE: Tommy wasn't a huge fan of the thyme in the yogurt topping and said he would leave it out. I personally didn't mind it but the flavor combination was certainly interesting. Your call.

Ingredients
2 tbs. EVOO
1 c. chopped white onion
2 tbs. minced garlic
4 tbs. minced peeled ginger (or to taste--I like mine spicy)
2 lbs. carrots, peeled and chopped into coins
1 medium russet potato, peeled and chopped
6 c. low-sodium chicken or vegetable stock
1 1/3 c. plain low-fat Greek yogurt
1 tsp. honey
1/4 c. pine nuts, toasted
1 tsp. finely minced thyme
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

1. Heat EVOO over medium-high heat in a heavy pot or Dutch oven and add the onion. Sprinkle with freshly ground black pepper and 1/2 tsp. of salt and cook, stirring constantly, for about 10 minutes or until the onion just starts to brown and caramelize.

2. Reduce the heat to medium-low. Add the garlic and ginger and cook for 2 more minutes, stirring constantly. Do not burn the garlic! Add the chicken stock, carrots and potatoes. Bring to a simmer and cover. Cook until the carrots and potatoes are very tender, about 20 to 25 minutes.






3. While the soup is simmering, combine the greek yogurt, thyme and honey. Whisk to combine and set aside.



4. When the soup has finished simmering, CAREFULLY puree with an immersion blender or in small batches in a regular blender until very smooth.

5. Serve with a dollop of the greek yogurt and a sprinkle of toasted pine nuts.