I went to Barcelona

and all you got was this dumb fantastic blog post.

Sorry for the silence kids, it's been a hectic weekend. And by hectic I mean trying to sample as much of Barcelona's gastronomy as I physically could.

I consider my mission mostly successfully accomplished.

If you don't want to read this whole blog post here's what you need to know:

High points were the Mercat de La Boqueria, eating a salted macaron from the famous La Colmena and the best seabass of my life at El Pintor.

Marzipan cherries at La Mercat

Low points were that every tapas place we went was super touristy and all the tapas were just deep fried something-or-others without much depth or history.

I also tried the famous Padron peppers that I had read and so much about, as well as both Estrella Damm and Damm Lemon beers which are from Spain. Unfortunately I only really liked the Damm Lemon because it reminded me of a shandy (beer and lemonade). The Estrella Damm was too bitter for me, and I don't even really like beer in the first place so this is sort of wasted on me. The padron peppers were also not my favorite, just because I don't really like peppers that much. But I'm glad I tried both because they're pillars of Spanish cuisine. Also because my fantastic editor from my days at the Post-Gazette told me to and he knows more about the world of food than I could ever to understand.

Noms on noms on noms

And now for an in-depth look at my whirlwind 36 hour trip to Barcelona.

So I spent 20 Euros on a gastronomy walking tour that resulted in me sweating profusely and being very grumpy because we stopped at about 9000 delicious looking chocolate stores and I DIDN'T GET TO BUY A SINGLE THING.

What is the damn point of a walking tour about food if there's no time for you to sample said food on said walking tour? Answer: there isn't one.

OH MY HOLY FUCKING CHOCOLATE HEDGEHOG

So the Mercat de la Boqueria is an outdoor mercado, much larger than the one in Alicante and with the added bonus of selling delicious looking fruit drinks and Catalan chocolate. At least 15 stalls were just gorgeous chocolates, candies and truffles and I am so glad I didn't bring my wallet to the Mercado because it would've ended badly.

Tomato heaven.

Barcelona is known for its Granjas, which are basically cafes that specialize in cakes and cheeses and also sell typical Catalan foods, like creme caramels, pastries and of course, coffee. We saw one of the oldest granjas, founded in 1870 and it was literally like stepping back in time: they kept most of the decorations from throughout the years. We didn't get to go inside but looking through the windows was like walking back through 50s-era advertising. Plus there was a really cute weimaraner sitting inside and I wanted to cuddle with it.


The chocolate shops were plentiful, and most of the ones we saw were established in the 1800s and early 1900s and are still family owned. The oldest we saw, Xocolateria Fargas opened in 1827 and still has a lot off the original cabinetry and stained glass on display, and they still sell mostly chocolates which I did not get to sample and I am still upset.

About the macaron: perfectly salty and from La Colmena, founded 150 years ago and about the size of my bedroom in Alicante. So worth the 90 cents. Tommy was pissed I didn't even offer him a bite but I'm sorry, macarons are too small to be properly shared and too good to want to share anyway.

Wait I'm not sorry.

The finest seabass of my life was procured at a beautiful restaurant called El Pintor where we nearly didn't eat because our reservation magically got cancelled. This could be my own fault as I was the one who called to make the reservation in the first place but still...I mean, shit. That would've sucked.

Anyway, despite the name and the location, El Pintor is a French restaurant which means that all of the dishes were soaked in butter. And my stomach said, "LOL AND NONE FOR GRETCHEN WEINERS" so I ordered fish instead of the braised lamb shank.

The real way to taste the rainbow.

But it was totally the best seabass I've ever had; buttery all on its own, perfectly tender and flaky and when paired with the fresh tartar sauce a true tour de force in the world of seafood. Let me say this now that homemade tartar sauce is unbelievably good and I will definitely be making it when I go home because it involves things I don't feel like buying in Spain. Like capers, which only come in 10-pound jars here.

My only complaint is that the vegetables I got with the fish were seriously overcooked and a little greasy. But I sort of ignored them anyway so it wasn't that big of a deal.

Mercat sausages

So there you have it, my weekend of gluttony in Barcelona. We also saw Gaudi's Park Guell and La Sagrada Familia church which were trippy and cool too. Gaudi must have done a lot of acid. I intend to model this year's gingerbread house on his designs which will almost certainly be a failure covered in frosting.

Also stay tuned because tonight will likely be a double feature WHICH WE ALL JUST FREAKIN' LOVE!

Ciao down

So sorry for the minor blogging hiatus, I was in Milan for the long weekend sans internet access. And honestly, I did not do as much eating as I wanted to. I think I spent more money on subway tickets than anything else.

Street eats

Here's the lowdown:

1. Apertivo is genius
2. I did not like the Italian pizza I tried
3. I had the best pomodoro of my life at our hotel restaurant
4. Spanish coffee > Italian coffee
5. Italian pastries are otherworldly
6. HOLY SHIT GELATO





So apertivo is this fantastic thing where you buy one (supremely overpriced) drink and then you have access to an all-you-can-eat bar of delicacies. We went to this one bar twice it was so good. They had everything from foccacia and raw salmon to hard boiled eggs to spicy sausage and vegetables and chocolate croissants. And the drinks were seriously strong.

Italian pizza has great crust, very light and flaky, but I prefer very saucy pizza and this was heavier on the cheese than the tomato. That's fine for them, I'll stick to the classic Chicago Lou Malnati's.

When Tommy and I finally got to our hotel (which was family owned and no one spoke a word of English), we were starving so we decided to eat at the restaurant attached. We ordered plain pomodoro, which is basically spaghetti with tomato sauce. Seriously the best pomodoro I've ever experienced. I know hunger is the best condiment but this sauce was velvety and so tomato-y and garlicky and the pasta was perfectly cooked and I could have eaten a gallon of it. Damn.







Italian coffee is really not all that strong and it's impossible to get more than a drop of it wherever you go. We had some dope cappuccinos at the Duomo but once you got past the foam you were ready for another. Or like, 6 more. Why doesn't Europe understand the concept of a large coffee? WHY???





Italian pastries...good god. I could write an entire blog post about them. We only got one we didn't like which was this cherry-jam covered square that looked unreal and sort of just tasted salty and like anchovies or something. Not poppin'.

Everything else was fantastic. We had your basic apple/pear strudel with unbelievably flaky pastry crust but it needed more filling. Twice we got this bread thing with sugar clumps on it that tasted sort of like challah with some orange extract. Super fluffy and perfect for dipping in tea/coffee/hot chocolate. I want more right now. We also had these little twisty pastry sticks with chocolate or orange marmalade in them which were this unbelievably light and crunchy texture and covered in powdered sugar. Messy, delicious, totally worth the calories. My only request is more flavors.

And last but certainly not least...gelato. Man. Gelato. I can't really eat it because it has too much fat and it would make me puke but Tommy and my boy Bernie who is studying abroad in Milan both let me sample theirs. Cruel, cruel world. It's so much better than ice cream because there's almost no air in there so it's a lot richer and smoother. We stopped at this one little place after a picnic in the park and I got a tiny scoop of pistachio covered in dark chocolate and it was (almost) all I needed to be happy. An enormous scoop on top of a cone filled with dark chocolate would've been better but one can't have everything.

Delicious.

So now that we're back, Tommy and I are going to try out the Paleo diet: no grains, no dairy and technically no legumes but I'm not sure how that'll go over because I need peanut butter to live. So stay tuned for Paleo recipes and probably a whole lot of whining on my part.

Chestnuts roasted on an open fire...literally.

Ouch, Charlie

This is not technically a restaurant review. This is more of an ode to one of the greatest restaurants that Chicago has ever seen, one that will be closing in just a few weeks. Needless to say, that really hurts. Charlie Trotter's has been a mainstay of Chicago cuisine and the culinary world since it opened almost 25 years ago. I was lucky enough to go there with a friend of mine who worked in the kitchen at the start of his career; a weekend that he says allowed him entrance to some of the other great kitchens in Chicago. The best part of this meal was that Chef Trotter typically doesn't use butter or heavy cream in his dishes and instead allows the flavors of the produce to shine. Not a menu for the picky eater, Trotter's requires an open mind and a discerning palate. Not to go all food snob on you, but there is food, there is cuisine and then there is Charlie Trotter's.

The Vegetable Menu:

Globe Artichoke with Cauliflower, Pine Nuts & Mint

Never in my life would I have expected cauliflower and mint to go together, much less artichoke and mint. Roasting the vegetables helped to bring out the naturally sweet and earthy flavors of each and a quieter mint flavor eased the transition.

Poached French White Asparagus with Broccolini, Manchego Cheese & Fire-Roasted Red Peppers

Though white asparagus are typically flavorless, the char on the broccolini and the heat of the peppers helped round out the subtlety of the asparagus. The creaminess Manchego paired perfectly with the grilled flavors and the peppery flavor of the nasturtium leaves.

Crispy, Silken Tofu with Georgia Peaches,

Red Curry & Pea Blossoms 

Curry and tofu? Yes. Curry and peaches? Well, also yes apparently.I didn't love this dish because the crispy tofu didn't soak up the flavor of the red curry very well but the sweetness of the curry spices was the perfect match for the nectarine. 

One-Hour Poached Hen’s Egg with Morel Mushrooms, Swiss Chard & Liquorice

This was one of my favorite dishes. I love mushrooms and morel mushrooms are among the world's best. They're smoky and salty. Eating them with the egg and chard was like sprinkling a better version of Lawry's Seasoned Salt over the whole plate. The egg must have been poached at a very low temperature because the yolk was still very runny and made a sort of dressing for the chard which was, obviously, perfectly cooked: soft enough to chew but not so cooked that it gave no resistance. The chewiness of the mushrooms backed up the softness of the egg and the ruffled texture of the head was the perfect juxtaposition to the smoothness of the chard.

Miso Tortellini with Red Cabbage, Turnip Confit & Ponzu

This was my favorite dish, bar none. The tortellini were filled with a liquid miso that was perfectly salty and savory. The tortellini wrapper was particularly dense so when you took the first bite, the miso exploded out of it, whereas with a softer pasta it might have leaked. The wine-braised red cabbage added acidity and brightness and the turnips were used two ways: cooked whole and as a puree of the leaves. Spring turnips are softer and smaller and sweeter than their grocery store counterparts and it is this natural earthy sweetness that brought the dish full circle.

Cantaloupe Sorbet with Anise Shortbread & Rosemary Consommé

This dish was meant as a palate cleanser; not overly sweet or savory, the transition from dinner courses to dessert. The cantaloupe sorbet was so intensely flavored it was like putting a piece of frozen melon in your mouth. The anise shortbread crumbs stuck to the outside of each bite, like a sorbet sandwich. The pieces of honeydew floating in the consomme or broth were good but the tiny, crunchy watermelon cucumbers were better. They offered a refreshing bitterness not unlike the skin of a garden cucumber and a satisfying crunch to play against the soft texture of the rest of the dish.

Zucchini Cake & Blossom with Whipped Basil & Saffron Reduction

This was perhaps the busiest plate of all. Incredibly rich pieces of zucchini cake, crispy fried squash blossoms, sweet basil foam, dragonfruit sorbet and saffron reduction all played a part in this dish. The basil foam was one of my favorite things I tasted all night: it was sweet and herbal and the texture was disarming--like cappuccino foam almost. It was hard for me to believe that this is the same basil that gets used in savory Italian dishes when it had such a light and unobtrusive presence on this plate. The zucchini cake was unquestionably the best I've ever had--rich with cinnamon and other warm spices. The fried squash blossoms didn't do much for me but the combination of the hot blossom with the cold dragonfruit sorbet was certainly appealing though I'm not sure how different dragonfruit tastes from Tazo Passion tea. The saffron gel I found unpalatable and overpowering but who the hell am I to tell that to Charlie Trotter?

Strawberry Sorbet with Wine-Poached Strawberries & Chocolate Espresso Cake

The final course was prepared by a friend of my dining companion who was apparently quite new to the restaurant scene. If I didn't know that before sitting down to the meal, I would have assumed a trained pastry chef with at least a decade of experience constructed the dish. The wine soaked strawberries melted in your mouth and the plate was sprinkled with bitter coffee powder and intensely flavored cacao nibs. It was the best coffee-chocolate cake I have ever tasted and I can never hope to recreate something so good. The flavor packed a one-two punch, first hitting you with the bitter coffee and then the darkness of the chocolate. That chocolate sauce on the plate was so incredible it took everything I had not to lick it off the plate.

A ribligious experience

I love ribs. The kind that are slowly smoked, lovingly basted in gooey barbecue sauce and, by the time they get to my plate, falling off the bone. Woodfire Chicken and Pasta in Deerfield used to have these ribs, and for the low, low price of $11.99 for a half slab. Sadly, they went out of business this March and I have since searched in vain for a replacement. Carson's was overpriced and dry. Real Urban BBQ in Highland Park was fine (the burnt ends brisket sandwich was a force to be reckoned with however). Player's Grill was equally unsatisfactory: too much grease, not enough flavor.
Then today, my dad asked his colleague and friend who lives in the area if he knew of any good rib joints and we were directed to L. Woods in Lincolnwood. Despite some faulty directions from Google Maps and the fact that they didn't have a table ready in time for our reservation, I would describe the evening as a total success.
The host staff was apologetic about the fact that our table wasn't ready and the hostess who seated us did everything in our power to make sure we were happy. Our waitress did forget my lemonade but none of that mattered when our ribs arrived. My dad ordered a half slab of the dry rub and I ordered a half slab of the classic baby back ($16.99 each).
Biting into these ribs was like sitting down in a favorite chair: you're immediately comfortable and you never want to leave. The meat was juicy and tender and the ends were just the right amount of charred. The barbecue sauce was extremely thick and sweet with a surprising back burn that offered the perfect amount of heat. It stuck to my hands and my face and I was only too happy to lick it off. It was so good I even put it on my green beans. The dry rub was equally good: smoky and savory, but completely disappeared when paired with the barbecue sauce. It would have been more fun with a bolder rub that not only stood up to the sauce but played along with.
The steamed green beans we ordered were plentiful and perfectly cooked: still slightly crunchy and bright green. There were a bunch of other things on the menu I would have ordered, like the BBQ planked salmon or the Cajun chicken sandwich with blue cheese sauce, but the ribs were so good I honestly think I'll never try anything else.
Friendly to vegetarians L. Woods is not, but the food is well-prepared and the staff is intent upon making sure the customer is happy.
We left dinner feeling the comfort that only a good rib dinner can bestow and my only complaint is that I can't fit a full slab in my stomach.

Four smoky, sizzling stars.

http://www.lwoodsrestaurant.com/index.html

On emotional eating

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge fan of the Chicago Bulls. I love Chicago sports (not baseball, so Cubs/Sox fans leave me alone) in general and I have high hopes for da Bears despite our lackluster draft, but I especially love basketball. So naturally I wore black in mourning for DRose's ACL and had high hopes and lofty status updates regarding tonight's game against the Philadelphia 76ers. Sadly, it was not to be and a myriad of questions are running through my mind including but not limited to:
Why was Scalabrine not starting?
How did we blow our comfortable halftime lead?
When did we get to be such sloppy players?
WHERE DID OUR MOMENTUM GO?
But most importantly, what can I emotional eat?

Then I remembered that I'm going to Boston to see Tommy this weekend so a solid cry-sesh with my besties Ben and Jerry was not an option. Luckily, my parents sent me a bomb care package and in it was a box of Kashi TLC granola bars: dark mocha almond. I figured it would be better than celery sticks.

Sadly, this granola bar is the highlight of my night. Only 6 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, a solid amount of mini chocolate chips and a great mocha flavor almost made me forget how depressed I am. There is no pain like NBA Championship pain.

So for the rest of you looking to emotional eat but not hate yourself for it afterwards, treat yourself to one of these. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep and dream of a game where Korver makes 3-point shots like he used to and no one makes idiot fouls.

Red, white and...blah

It's always bothered me that American "cuisine" is either deep fat-fried, stolen in part from some other country (I'm looking at you TexMex) or just plain boring. Why did we get stuck with fried fucking Oreos as the pinnacle of our culinary offerings when Thailand gets to parade around sticking Kaffir lime leaves into their coconut curries, Mexico pimps mind blowing sauces like mole and China has jellyfish salad? Don't even get me started on French food because although they are white-flag wavin' little bitches, they know how to cook. Given my general dislike of American food, it baffles me as to why I thought my experience would be different at Joe's American Bar and Grill.

Joe's is a chain and there are a bunch of different locations but Tommy and I plus his third-wheelin' best friend Taggart chose the one on Newbury street. It's right across from Stephanie's on Newbury, which is delicious, and I had a strong urge to make a U-turn and head straight into the waiting arms of some truly beautifully braised lamb shank that I knew was waiting for me in Stephanie's.

I should have made the U-turn. Joe's is a fine place to eat under four circumstances:
A. you are close to starvation or

B. you don't know any better or
C. you have no expectations
D. Yelp gave it 4 stars and you fell for it

Tommy and I were consequences of circumstance D.

Here's the basic rundown if you don't feel like reading the rest of this:
Our waitress rushed us along, the food was greasy and unimpressive, the bathroom was dirty, it was unbelievably noisy and I wouldn't go back unless it was the only restaurant left standing post-nuclear Armageddon.

Taggart was displeased to find out that the lemonade was by the glass...when we got the bill. Sneaky motherfuckers.

We ordered a nachos grande appetizer and it was, in true American fashion, grande. The calorie count on the thing could have fed all of Somalia. It wasn't bad, but I am a snob and found the ice-cream shaped globs of sour cream and guacamole on top of the nacho  mountain unappetizing.

Taggart got a sirloin and mashed potatoes, Tommy got fish and chips and I ordered a chicken Caesar salad. When our meals got to the table, it was immediately clear that plating was not something they covered in training the line cooks. I actually laughed when our waitress set down Tag's plate:







They also don't know what medium-rare looks like; Taggart said his steak was reasonably overdone, if not well seasoned. He said the mashed potatoes were good though.

Tommy's fish and chips were equally unimpressive. Though he ate most of them, he said the breading-to-fish ratio was lacking, and he prefers a thicker coating of breadcrumbs on his fish and chips.

My salad was laughable, but maybe I deserved what I got. It was a head of iceberg lettuce, chopped and drowned in bottled Caesar dressing. The grilled chicken was fine, but I could have made better at home and I'm a terrible griller so that's saying something.

I'm always a lot more picky than Tommy but I think the issue with Joe's is really that what we call "American" is really just other country's food done poorly. Fish and chips is British, nachos are (ostensibly) Latin, Caesar salad was Italian long ago. And no one country can really claim 'steak' as a native food. Beyond the bad cooking, the rushed feeling of the meal, the dirty paper towels all over the floor of the bathroom, it was inauthentic. If you're going to serve burgers and fries, do it well. If you're going to serve TexMex or quasi-Italian, do it well. It would also be nice if I could find a truly American restaurant serving native American cuisine. Now that is a culinary adventure I look forward to.

Rating:
2 stars

http://www.joesamerican.com/index.cfm/page/Home

It's not easy being nice

Ed. note: If you're looking for my typical snarky opinions in this review of The Paramount, stop looking. I actually have good things to say. Let me say here and now how painful it is for me to be nice and let that reflect upon the quality of the restaurant.

In Boston's upscale Beacon Hill neighborhood on a cobblestone street lined with stores I can't even afford to walk into is The Paramount. A diner slash cafeteria with only maybe a dozen tables, The Paramount has been around since 1937 and is still going strong.

I've been to Paramount twice: the first time, the line was so far out the door I just kept walking. The second time was a few weekends ago, when Tommy and I went on a Friday morning to avoid the weekend hangover brunch rush. The line was still almost out the door, but apparently that's about as short as it gets.





To order your food at The Paramount, you wait in line until you get up to the long griddle behind the counter, above which is painted the menu. Shout your order to one of the grill guys, grab a tray and slide down the metal counter, receive and pay for your food, and get a table. Yes, table last. Very high school cafeteria-esque, except the food is so much better than anything a high school could ever hope to emulate.





 Though breakfast-y items take up a good portion of the menu, there's also a section for hefty sandwiches and burgers, some truly delicious sounding salads and a whole host of dinner classics like chicken Marsala and various teriyaki glazed meats. I wish I was going back up to Beantown anytime soon so I could get the crab cake BLT.

Let me repeat: CRAB CAKE BLT. HOLY SHIT.

Anyway, after a pretty extensive wait, Tommy and I finally got to order. I got the french toast with strawberries and bananas, he got the huevos rancheros. I was very nearly coerced into ordering the caramel banana french toast (so someone could eat 95% of it) but I held firm and I'm glad I did.

Our table was right across from the grill so we sort of had people all up in our business the whole time we were eating but it didn't matter. The food was that good.

The french toast, albeit a little greasy, was light and fluffy and they certainly did not skimp on the fresh fruit topping. I also got orange juice, only because it was freshly squeezed and not from concentrate or from a bottle like every other restaurant. So delicious. Like living inside a fresh Florida orange.

Tommy's huevos came with a couple slices of fresh avocado and some truly excellent salsa fresca -- the flavors were simple and perfect. Tomatoes, onion, cilantro and a little bit of heat. So good.

As usual, Tommy ate both of our meals and I was sorry I let him. I have since dreamed about that french toast, covered in syrup and hulled strawberries and huge chunks of bananas. Holy shit. I'm drooling all over my keyboard.

In short: it's worth the wait. The place isn't cheap, but it's well worth the price. Let the fact that my usual meanness was almost totally gone in this review speak for itself.

www.paramountboston.com

PSA (Popsicle Service Annoucement)

In the spirit of procrastination, I would like to make a brief statement and bestow my blessings on a certain snack food that one of Tommy's friends lives on.

Weight Watcher's Dark Chocolate Raspberry popsicles.

Yes, this friend is male.

Let me say here and now that I am not being paid by Weight Watchers to sponsor these popsicles. First of all, though I am narcissistic I know I'm not that famous (yet). And second of all, Weight Watchers is a crock.

Though I was skeptical when Lucas (happy 15 minutes of fame, kiddo) raved about these, they actually are really good for only being 80 calories. The raspberry flavor is good and they don't skimp too badly on the chocolate coating, though as you all know I always advocate for more chocolate with no exceptions.

Though I do not recommend these as a main food group, which is how Lucas treats them, they're pretty damn good and you don't have to feel guilty after you eat one. Or three.

You can get these in the ice-cream isle of the grocery store. Happy popsicle-eating. Lucas, you're welcome.

Material Girl

Anyone who knows me knows that, on a scale from 1 to high-maintenance, I hover somewhere around a 6. I don't drink from water fountains. I will never wear knockoff brands. I certainly will never eat Cool Whip. This also means that I have a crapload of kitchen gadetry. Some of it is truly useless (I'm looking at you, miniature whisk) but some of it I genuinely could not live without. In my cooking life that is. I don't really need my collapsible bowl from Pampered Chef on a day-to-day basis. But on a meal-to-meal one? HELL YES. And I would buy like, 4 more. So here is a comprehensive list of 5 things in my kitchen I genuinely could not live without. It goes without saying that I highly recommend them all.

1. Silpat Baking Mat, $24.99
The Silpat is a strange animal. It is simultaneously sticky and slimy, almost amphibian. It seems unlikely that it could do better than Pam cooking spray at keeping your stuff from sticking to the baking sheet, but it does. Not only is it non-stick, it is so much more. It keeps the bottoms of your cookies a light golden-brown and not charcoal black. It spreads the heat from the tray around so everything cooks evenly. Also, it wipes off easily with soap and water and keeps you from having to scrub and hack at the crap that gets left on your cookie sheet. They're kind of pricey individually but if you bake a lot, I recommend getting two at the very least.

To buy: http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?SKU=11556167

2. 4-Quart Pampered Chef Collapsible Bowl, $20.99
When my mom got this collapsible bowl for me, I told her it was a waste of money and that I would never use it. I am forced to eat my words nearly every time I cook. The fact that this dumb bowl pops into shape when you want it and squeezes flat when you don't is so useful I can't even begin to describe it succinctly. Suffice it to say that the cabinet space in my apartment's kitchen isn't so much limited as it is built for giant people. This means I have to shove everything I use regularly into about three small cabinets...which means things that take up less space are in high demand. Cue the collapsible bowl.

To buy: http://www.pamperedchef.com/ordering/prod_details.tpc?prodId=26444&words=collapsible%20bowl

3. Room Essentials Silicone-Backed Potholder, prices vary
Generally, a potholder is a potholder but these go above and beyond the call of duty. Aside from coming in about 9 different shades, the no-slip back is a godsend for baking dishes that have gotten gooey in the oven or slippery non-stick pans that have slid all the way to the back. With a regular potholder I find that I live in constant terror of dropping whatever scorching-hot apparatus I'm holding onto my (usually) bare feet. Not so with these oven mitts. Honestly, football players should probably wear them so they can hang onto the ball better.

To buy: Target

4. Wilton Disposable Decorating Bags, 12 for $5.50
This is another must-have for anyone who bakes and ices with relative frequency. I love being able to just throw the stupid pastry bag away when I'm done with it, instead of having to scoop out the excess icing with my hands and then wash it. Plus, the fact that the set comes with 12 means you can use a few at a time if you're decorating something particularly intricate. The seams can occasionally burst if you're too heavy-handed but overall, the price and convenience makes it very worthwhile.

To buy: Sur la Table stores or http://www.surlatable.com/product/PRO-560748/Wilton-Disposable-Decorating-Bags

5. OXO Silicone Basting Brush, $9.99
For the grill master supreme, or anyone who cooks meat on a regular basis, a good basting brush is a necessity. I like this one because first of all, it's dishwasher safe and second of all, the silicone brush part actually hangs on to the basting marinade instead of dumping it all over the counter or whatever. As an added bonus, the handle is non-slip. Since silicone is pretty resilient, you don't have to worry about the brush bursting into flame if you baste over the grill/fire-pit/etc.

To buy: http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?SKU=14082557

I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed but can you ever just be like...whelmed?

...I think you can at Assaggio. This restaurant, set in Boston's version of Little Italy called the North End wasn't good or bad. Just forgettable.

Since my boyfriend and I started seeing each other, around this time last year, I have visited him in Boston six times and on each visit we go out to dinner in the North End and then to Mike's Pastry (a blissfully, deliciously orgasmic experience of cannoli). There have been very good and very bad and on this occasion, very forgettable.

Perhaps we should have been suspicious when we called to make a reservation for Saturday night the same afternoon and had no problem getting our requested time. Usually we have to eat at some absurdly late hour just to get a table. Not so at Assaggio.

The dining room was small, but not terribly cramped. We were seated promptly and service was pretty good throughout the night. The decor is mostly mural-based: think fat baby cherubs, Corinthian columns and astrological signs on the ceiling. My boyfriend found this questionable.

We started with an appetizer of calamari...which was $10. I'm sorry, but when did fried squid get so fucking expensive? Everywhere else I see calamari it's like, $8 tops. I think we were taken for a ride. They did give us a hefty serving of it but it was only warm and I prefer my food somewhere around 'lowest level of Hell' hot. Whatever, it was good enough.

Tommy, my boyfriend, (he will be referred to by name from now on, much to his displeasure I assume. Sorry babe.) ordered cheese ravioli like he always does. Seriously, it's not like the boy has a timid palate. He once ate unidentifiable seafood substance in a restaurant where we were the only native English speakers (another story) but he only orders cheese ravioli when we go out to dinner at an Italian place. Go figure. Anyway, he ordered that and I ordered grilled swordfish that was supposed to come with shallots, capers and a white wine butter sauce.

Anyone who knows me also knows that my stomach is evil and will not allow me to eat anything that tastes good. This means things with heavy cream, butter, oil, fried foods, the list goes on and on. Don't tell me how sorry you are for me and how badly my life sucks, I already know. So shut up. My waitress assured me that I could get the fish without the butter sauce and I was happy. I like capers. They taste like seawater and I find that appetizing.

We get our meals about 15 minutes after they take the calamari away which I thought was good. It wasn't so long that I was tempted to go all 'where the fuck is my food, garcon?' but not so quickly that I felt rushed. Tommy got five ravioli and I got a plain piece of grilled swordfish (no capers or shallots?!) with mashed potatoes and sauteed spinach.

Let me say here that five ravioli is not enough for Tommy. Aside from being a boy, he is also an athlete which means that he eats more than seven of me put together. My portion: huge. His portion: pitiful. We should have traded.

I tried a bite of his ravioli. They were fine, nothing to write home about, but the marinara sauce was pretty good. Nice and velvety. Then again, marinara sauce is hard to fuck up.

My dinner was fucking boring. I said no butter sauce, not no flavoring. The mashed potatoes (which I obviously couldn't eat being that the main ingredients are potatoes, butter and cream) were oddly runny which was unappealing. The sauteed spinach was tasty though and not drowned in oil as so many vegetables are nowadays. The piece of swordfish they gave me was a good one, and nicely cooked but that does not make up for the fact that there was just no flavor to it. That's crap.

Anyway, dinner after that point was unremarkable. Tommy finished most of the rest of my dinner (there were about two servings of fish and spinach on my plate) and we paid and left. It was moderately priced which was nice.

Final thoughts: it wasn't disappointing enough to be bad but it wasn't great enough to be good. It was just another Italian restaurant with astrological signs painted on the ceiling and reasonably good marinara sauce. One to forget.

3 (dim) stars

http://www.assaggioboston.com/

I Hate Hibachi Grills (Review)

I am a frustrated diner of the North Shore. I am sick of Chipotle. I am sick of Noodles and Company. And most importantly, I am sick of hibachi grills, where they poorly cook your food in a puddle of oil right in front of your face so that you can not only eat it but smell like it for the next 72 hours as well. So I’ve compiled a list of 5 restaurants in and around the North Shore that are actually worth eating at.

Price range: $ (about 7 dollars a head) to $$$$ (30 dollars a head and up)

1.       Hot Tamales—(847) 433-4070 493 Central Ave, Highland Park 60035 ($$)

A one-room establishment with brightly painted walls and weird Mexican sculptures, Hot Tamales is without question the best Mexican food I’ve encountered outside of Old Town Chicago. The menu is extensive, with everything from appetizers to platos pequenos (smaller dishes), a huge selection of handmade tamales, enchiladas and other traditional Mexican dishes, all prepared excellently. The free chips and salsa are so addictive you might forget to save room for dinner. Among other excellent dishes, the standouts in the HT repertoire are the:

·         Pumpkin tamales, an interestingly savory dish served with two types of salsa (red and green). The tamales are equal parts sweet and spicy and one is certainly filling. Warning: the corn wrapper of the tamale contains beef fat.

·         Grilled torta, handmade tortilla sandwiches made with goat cheese, red peppers, portabella mushrooms and spinach, the torta is without question my favorite of the platos pequenos. Served with thick-cut sweet potato chips and a creamy poblano sauce.

2.       Sushi Para Japanese Restaurant—(847) 202-9922 1268 E. Dundee Rd, Palatine 60074 ($$)

Though it looks about as sketchy as your average 7-Eleven, Sushi Para offers the most for your money in terms of sushi. Offering a buffet and an a la carte menu, this restaurant is no secret and fills up ridiculously quickly, even on weeknights. The $19 all-you-can-eat option includes a hefty selection of made-to-order appetizers, nigiri, and maki. The waitstaff borders on terrible but it’s worth it for some delicious and relatively cheap sushi. Standouts:

·         The nigiri are conventional, but there is more rice underneath the fish than you might find at more expensive sushi restaurants (then again, it’s only a $19 price tag).

·         The spicy tuna roll, Michigan roll (spicy tuna + tempura crunch inside, tobiko outside), Volcano roll (spicy tuna, spicy salmon, and spicy yellowtail inside, tobiko and sriracha-like sauce on the outside), and the Under Control roll (spicy tuna inside with shrimp tempura outside).

3.       Trattoria Valle D’Itria—(847)226-0600 Roger Williams Ave, Highland Park 60035 ($$$)

So small you could miss it, so good you wouldn’t want to. A classic Italian establishment with reasonable prices, Valle D’Itria converted me instantly from Lou Malnati’s and Eduardo’s. Their thin-crust pizza is more Sicilian-style than Chicago deep-dish and it is addictive. A reasonably diverse menu offers tons of options for either a multiple course meal or just a few appetizers. Standouts:

·         Margherita pizza—the thin crust margherita pizza is typical in its ingredients (tomatoes, basil, mozzarella and other assorted cheeses) but is unique in its quality. Super-fresh tomatoes and high quality buffalo mozzarella combine to make an excellent dining experience.

·         Stewed eggplant—low-calorie this appetizer is not, but “delicious” also doesn’t do it justice. The eggplant is perfectly sautéed and baked after being covered in parmesan and mozzarella cheeses and homemade marinara sauce. The result is a cheesy explosion that will make you sad the dish will only serve two.

4.       Player’s Grill—(847) 831-5929 1855 Deerfield Road, Highland Park 60035 ($$$)

A greasy establishment that is anything but vegetarian-friendly, Player’s Grill has some of the best two-hand sandwiches I’ve had the pleasure of eating prior to swearing off meat. When I say don’t order the salads, I really mean it: most are half-assed combinations of chunk iceberg lettuce and carrot shreds. But the sandwiches and burgers at this place are hideously, artery-clogging good. Expect to wait a good 45 minutes for delivery on the weekends but trust in the fact that you will be thrilled by your order. Note: portions are huge. Standouts:

·         The ranch dressing and BBQ sauce. I could eat both plain. I do eat both plain, with a spoon. Slather it on burgers, mozzarella sticks, French fries, salads. The ranch is the perfect thickness and doesn’t taste overwhelmingly like mayonnaise. The BBQ sauce is perfectly smoky and savory and it’s a little thin compared to Sweet Baby Ray’s but that only means it comes out of the tub faster, thank god. I always ask for an extra serving or three of each every time I visit. Mix them together for a southwestern-style salad dressing.

·         The Max Sandwich—an enormous pile of marinated steak tips sandwiched between two slices of crusty garlic French bread. Watching my friend James attack it made me sorely regret my weak digestive system and vegetarian diet. This is a two-hand sandwich not for the faint of heart but absolutely for the man who loves his red meat. Put that ranch dressing on it and go crazy.

·         The Cajun Chicken Salad—the only salad on the Player’s menu I think is worth ordering. Blackened chicken, Monterey jack cheese chunks, black beans, corn, tomato wedges, pepper and tortilla strips combine to make an awe-inspiring salad of epic southwestern proportions.

5.       Fuji Thai— (847) 459-0888 1000 Weiland Road  Buffalo Grove, 60089 ($$)

In an unremarkable shopping center is Fuji Thai, a tiny restaurant with a lot to offer. Sushi, curries and stir fries are all on the menu, and the pricing is remarkably cheap for how good the quality is. The portions are good-sized but not gluttonous and if you ask for an extra something on the side, they give you a lot of it. Service is pretty good but expect to wait on weekends. Standouts:

·         Thai Yellow Curry with Chicken—a fantastically soothing and not-too-spicy curry with potatoes, green peppers, chicken and onions. The coconut milk is obvious in the broth but not overpowering.

·         Rock ‘n’ Roll—my favorite special roll at Fuji Thai. It has avocado, asparagus and shrimp tempura wrapped in soybean paper. I always get it with spicy tuna on the side.

·         Pad Thai—not greasy and full of flavor, the pad Thai is standout. Loaded with fresh and crunchy beansprouts, peanuts and egg the pad Thai is equally good in the restaurant and as a leftover.