Let's Get Baked

Sunday is a perfect day, in my opinion, to bake. No, not the kind that's legal in all the fun states, the kind with measuring cups and flour and butter and sugar.

Actually, I prefer my kind. Not only does the high last longer (very few things bring me greater joy than watching a perfect batch of cookies come out of the oven), but the rewards are far greater: you get to eat something delicious. Also you don't end up laughing hysterically at an episode of My Name is Earle and wondering how you got there.

Now to be fair, if you want to bake and then bake (your choice of what bake comes first), these cookies will probably taste even more out-of-this-world. My only request is that you let a grownup handle the oven and don't use any heavy machinery.

These cookies are perfectly wintery. The oatmeal is toasty and soothing and the dried cranberries add a much-needed shot of bright tartness to these dull, grey days we have to slog through until Spring decided to get her shit together and show up.

Not only that, they're pretty damn easy to make as far as the world of cookie baking goes. No refrigeration or fancy ingredients required, no need to ice pretty designs or do anything more than dump a tablespoon full of dough onto a greased cookie sheet.

I used baking chocolate to drizzle over the tops of these cookies but you could make life easier on yourself and use white chocolate chips instead. I probably will the next time I make these. I recommend using very high-quality white chocolate in these cookies, as the cheaper brands have a nasty, artificial flavor to them. At home, my favorite white chocolate is the Whole Foods brand that comes in chunks, priced per pound.

I also recommend using dried cranberries that are lower in sugar, so not Craisins, for example. Their tartness is one of the nicest things about these cookies.

When I make these again I'm considering adding a little bit of orange extract and topping the cookies with a little bit of orange zest. If you're feeling adventurous, feel free to go ahead and do this. If not, that's okay too. These cookies are extremely delicious-as is but also serve as an excellent blank palette if you're feeling inspired. Dark chocolate chips, chopped pecans, toasted coconut and dried blueberries all could be incredible additions.

So go ahead and bake up this Sunday. It's been a long week. You deserve it. Hope you've got some episodes of Workaholics on demand...

Ingredients:

1 cup salted butter, room temperature

3/4 cup dark brown sugar

1/2 cup sugar

1 egg

2 tsp vanilla extract

1 3/4 cups all purpose flour

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp cinnamon

1 1/2 cups uncooked quick cook oats

1 1/2 cups dried cranberries

1/2 cup walnut pieces, toasted, optional

12 oz good-quality white chocolate chips (or chunks)

1. Preheat oven to 350F. Beat butter and sugars together until smooth and well-combined. Add egg and vanilla extract and mix well.

2. In a separate bowl, sift together the dry ingredients. Add to the wet mixture and mix just until all the flour is incorporated. DO NOT OVERMIX. 

3. Fold in the white chocolate chips, walnut pieces and cranberries.

4. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto a well-greased cookie sheet. Bake for 8-10 minutes or until just barely golden brown -- they should actually look a little undercooked in the center.

*5. IF NOT USING WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIPS: Let cool for a few minutes while melting the white chocolate in a double boiler. Cookies should no longer be hot to the touch when drizzling the white chocolate. Add another sprinkle of crushed walnuts on the chocolate if desired.

Cheesin'

I have written before about the fact that my grasp of millennial colloquialisms is shoddy at best (See "Sup, Shorty?"). I have been made fun of for my vocabulary on more than one occasion, and it hasn't bothered me since about the 8th grade. My vocabulary could kick your vocabulary's ass all the way around the playground and then steal its lunch money.

Violent vocabs aside, there is one common milleniword that I am quite fond of, and that is cheesing (typically pronounced with a dropped 'g').

This is the act of smiling so big that any number of things happen:
a. Your eyes disappear
b. You get chipmunk cheeks
c. You appear vaguely unbalanced

I personally love cheesin'. I'm happy and I know it and I want my insanely big grin to show it. Also I frequently don't know what to do with my face in pictures so it's either that or the "rock-on-stick-your-tongue-out" look which my parents hate and I did in at least 30% of my graduation pictures.

I could also do with a very large smile right now as I have been whacked out with a disgusting cold for over a week and now evidently have a sinus infection. See: my school kids are adorably disgusting fountains of boogers and microbes.

This recipe has cheesin' down to an art. Not only does it combine two fantastic desserts, cheesecake and cookies, but said cheesecake cookies are so delicious that you can't help but grin like an idiot.

They're not simple, they're kind of messy to make and they are almost absurdly high in calories. That being said, they are also very much worth it. The texture is incredibly light and fluffy, the blueberries are sweet and the lemon adds just the right amount of zing. If you've got a free afternoon, I highly recommend you bake them. As two of role models would say, treat yo self.

Note: I recommend you put the cubed cream cheese in the freezer until you are ready to assemble the cookies. If it is too warm, forming the cookies will be much messier and much more difficult.

Ingredients:

1 c. unsalted butter, room temperature

1 c. granulated sugar

Zest of 1 lemon

3 tbsp lemon juice

2 eggs

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp salt

3 c. flour

1 1/2 c. blueberries 

1/2 package very cold cream cheese, cut into 1 tsp cubes

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and position a rack in the center. Line baking sheets with parchment paper or Silpats and set aside.

2. With an electric mixer, cream together the butter and sugar until it's light and fluffy. Blend in the lemon zest, juice and eggs. Make sure to scrape off any bits of zest that stick to the mixer paddle.

3. In a separate bowl whisk together the baking soda, baking powder, salt and flour. Incorporate into the wet ingredients in three batches, being careful not to over-mix.

4. Gently fold in the blueberries so as not to burst any. Refrigerate the dough for at least 15 – 20 minutes to make it stiff enough to roll.

5. For each cookie, roll 1 heaping tablespoon of dough into a ball. Flatten it slightly into a disc shape and place a 1 tsp cream cheese cube into the center. 

Form the dough around the cream cheese, creating a ball again.

6. Bake for about 10 - 14 minutes until the edges brown slightly. Transfer to a cooling rack and let rest for another 5-10 minutes.

Pump(kin) YOU Up

This is a recipe for oatmeal pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. Because pumpkin is great. And it goes incredibly well with toasty oats and dark chocolate chips.

Yes, pumpkin recipes for October. Groundbreaking.

The title of this post is a quiet nod to the side-splitting Hans and Franz skit in season 14 of Saturday Night Live: Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon as bodybuilders who just want to pump...you up! I highly recommend you watch it because it is one of my top-10 favorite SNL skits after everything that Tina or Amy has ever been in.

By the way, if you are one of those people who likes to detract from the joy of others by calling them basic, then stop reading and leave my blog and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

I wrote a somewhat lengthy Facebook rant on this subject that I will summarize here in case you missed it: any and all pumpkin-related foods and activities are fantastic. Fall is an A+ season. Do not feel like you can't enjoy these things and many more because some bitter group of people decided that the only way to live is out of the mainstream and those who do enjoy popular culture (in the broadest sense of the word) are somehow less-than. These people suck. Do you.

But back to baking...these are pretty much heaven and hell wrapped into one, deliciously buttery cookie. They are bad for you. But they are very good to eat. Plus, this recipe makes about three dozen cookies so you will have a lot to share with your friends. Or not.

I love Spain very much, but I really wish they would jump on the canned pumpkin bandwagon. Steaming and mashing your own pumpkin is a giant pain in the ass. On the plus side, they have totally embraced the chocolate-for-breakfast idea.

Feel free to add to this recipe: white chocolate chips, dried cranberries, toasted pecans. It's extremely versatile and since pumpkin is a pretty quiet flavor it goes with most things. I baked these when I was at home and now Tommy is sitting here grumbling because he wants me to make them again so he can eat them all and not share. Fat chance. I will call in sick to work one day and bake/hide them while he is gone so only the scent of buttery, cinnamony pumpkin remains. I'm so nice.

Ingredients:
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
1 cup light brown sugar, packed
1 cup granulated sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup pumpkin puree
1 1/2  cups old-fashioned oats
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Liberally spray several baking sheets (or use parchment paper or Silpats). In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, cinnamon, pumpkin pie spice and salt.















2. At medium speed, cream together the butter and sugar until lighter in color and fluffy. Add egg and vanilla, beating well after each addition. Add pumpkin puree and mix until combined.















3. Reduce the mixer speed to low and add the dry ingredients in three batches. Fold in oats and chocolate chips until just combined.

4. Drop by rounded teaspoonful onto the prepared baking sheets, about 2-3 inches apart. Bake for 10-12 minutes, rotating the pans halfway through.

Sup, shorty?

To be totally honest, I have no idea what a 'shorty' is. I am the whitest white girl imaginable. I had to go on urbandictionary.com to find out what 'dime' meant. My dictionary of street colloquialisms could be comprised on a single note card. But anyway, I know the term exists and I couldn't think of anything else funny to say about these unbelievably dank peanut butter chocolate chip shortbread cookies I made so there you are. If someone would like to enlighten me as to what a shorty is and whether or not I can become one, please do so.


I really hate refrigerator cookies usually because in the time it takes to solidify the dough I am either
a. past the point of wanting to eat cookies because my patience is on par with that of a chimpanzee with ADHD or
b. about to rip the door off of the fridge so I can get at what will soon be the tastiest snack ever IF ONLY IT WILL HARDEN


But these were so easy they were worth the wait and you didn't have to wait suuuuper long, comparatively. Also our fridge is commonly part freezer due partially to shitty European appliances and partially to the sub-zero temperatures we have recently been experiencing.

I recommend making a double batch of these bad boys because they are so easy it won't take you any more time than making a single batch and also because these will FLY. They are some of the best cookies I have ever tasted, even the sort of burned ones that suffered at the hands of our wait for it...shitty oven.

Don't balk at the absurd amounts of fat and sugar in these cookies. It's what makes shortbread shortbread. Delicious, mind-blowing, world-peace-achieving short(y)bread.

Ingredients:

1 stick, (1/2 cup) unsalted butter, room temp
1/3 cup creamy peanut butter
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/4 cup all purpose flour 
1/4 cup confectioner's sugar
scant 1/2 tsp sea salt
3/4 cup milk chocolate chips

1. Cream the butter and the peanut butter together in a stand mixer, with a hand mixer, or a wooden spoon.  Beat in the vanilla.

2. Whisk the dry ingredients together and add to the butter mixture. Mix until the dough comes together.






3. Stir in the chips, and turn the dough out onto a piece of waxed paper.  Gently pull the dough together and form it into a log.  If it is still crumbly, work it with your hands until it holds together smoothly. Roll it up in the paper, smoothing the shape as you go. Twist the ends securely and refrigerate for at least a couple of hours.

4. Slice the log into slices with a sharp knife, about 1/3 inch.  If a slice crumbles a bit, just mash it back together.

5. Bake on a parchment or silpat lined baking sheet at 325 for about 12-14 minutes.  The cookies will not be browned, and they may look undone, but don't overbake. Let the cookies cool on the pan for 5 minutes before transferring to a rack (REALLY).

I did it for the cookie

In the Georgetown area of DC, there's a fantastic bakery called Baked and Wired which has unbelievable coffee, cupcakes and other delicious pastries. It's far and away the best cupcakery in DC but doesn't come close to touching the cupcakery I work at in Illinois (Turtle's Cupcakes). They're kind of hipster and crunchy-granola guys there but they make some mean snacks and they usually have a funny sign out front. Once, it said "I did it for the nookie" but nookie was crossed out and replaced with cookie which I personally prefer.

Very few things top a well-made cookie, and most collegiate sexual escapades...you can sit. Hence: I did it for the cookie.

I'm going to be in Valencia, Spain this weekend (apparently home of the best paella in Spain) so I will be silent until Sunday but before I go let me leave you with two things.

The first is a bomb recipe for oatmeal cookies with toasted coconut and chocolate chips.

The second is a warning to never attempt to cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy by hand. Because it's really hard and it sucks. Also don't try to use an immersion blender because it might start smoking like ours did.

This is essentially my favorite oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe from Better Homes and Gardens plus a little coconut toasted in a saucepan.

That being said, these are ridiculously easy and I know you'll want to drunkenly snack on them this weekend because since Halloween falls on a Wednesday this year that means all you lucky American college students get TWO Halloweekends. Your livers are cowering in terror.

Ingredients:
2 1/4 c. rolled oats
1 1/2 (or 2) c. semi sweet chocolate chips
1 2/3 c. flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. kosher salt
1 c. packed brown sugar
3/4 c. white sugar
1 c. (2 sticks) butter
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 c. unsweetend coconut flakes
1/2 c. chopped walnuts (optional)

1. Preheat oven to 375 F. In a small bowl, mix together the oats, chocolate chips, flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt.
2. In a separate bowl, cream the butter and sugars until light and fluffy and then blend the dry ingredients until just incorporated. Beat in the eggs and vanilla.
3. Gently toast the coconut in a small saucepan over low to medium heat, stirring often with a spatula, until golden brown and fragrant. Fold into the batter along with the nuts if you're using them.
4. Drop by the tablespoon onto a greased baking sheet and bake for about 9-12 minutes or until golden brown around the edges. You want them slightly chewy.

Baile la meringue

In my high school, the Spanish teachers were, by and large, insane. I'm not kidding. My freshman year teacher was the kind of crazy that made you laugh awkwardly in class and then drunkenly imitated on the weekends. My junior year teacher was the kind of crazy that made you understand why electroshock therapy was legal for so long. Freshman year, Senora B would dance around the classroom singing, "Baile la merengue, baile la merengue, PARA!" Which translates to: dance the merengue, dance the merengue, STOP. Go figure. While I cannot advocate for her sanity nor her dancing skills, meringues (the cookie, not the dance) are truly delicious. The storebought ones usually suck because they are mass produced and thus chalky, flavorless bricks that take a long time to bite into and then dissolve instantly. Homemade meringues are a totally different animal: crisp and chewy on the outside, pillowy on the inside. Little clouds of happiness that can't possibly have any calories in them so it's totally chill to eat like, 34 or so in one sitting. This recipe is essentially a basic chocolate meringue plus toasted coconut and mini chocolate chips folded in. That's another thing: meringues are mad versatile. White chocolate chips, butter scotch chips, toasted coconut, mint extract, blah blah blah. You can add almost anything except for things like jam and fresh herbs which would be weird. Traditional meringues are flavored only with no mix-ins (which compromise the cloud-like texture) but traditions are for weenies.

Aside: Sorry about the shitty picture; I took this at work when I realized that in approximately 3 minutes there wouldn't be any meringues left to photograph.


Ingredients:

• 3 egg whites
• 1/8 teaspoon cream of tartar
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 2/3 cup white sugar
• 1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips
• 1/4 cup toasted sweetened shredded coconut

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 300 degrees F (150 degrees C).
2. Spread the coconut in a small pan over medium heat and stir constantly for 3 or 4 minutes until golden brown and very fragrant. Your kitchen should smell tropical as shit.
3. Combine egg whites, cream of tartar, and vanilla. Beat until the whites form soft peaks. Slowly add sugar; beat until stiff peaks form, and mixture becomes glossy. Fold in cocoa and chocolate chips.
4. Drop mixture by teaspoonfuls on to a greased cookie sheet. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes.

On discrimination

Everyone's guilty of it. Don't pretend like you aren't. We've all shunned the oatmeal cookie in favor of the far sexier chocolate chip. We have brutally discriminated against the oatmeal cookie: refusing to let it into our lunch boxes in middle school, leaving it forlorn on the platter at bake sales, walking right past it without a hint of acknowledgement in the grocery store. We've segregated our cookies into the delicious and potentially healthy, and we have made life a living hell for those potentially healthy cookies. Forget being dunked in the same glass of milk: these guys never even had a chance. Until now. Today, I can proudly say I am a part of integration. Today is a day of the delicious oatmeal cookie: full of both raisins AND chocolate chips. I have a dream where I am free to dunk my oatmeal cookie in a glass of milk without feeling shame. And the Civil Rights jokes end here. So seriously, I made these for my friend who is a lightweight rower for Georgetown. Those unfamiliar with the tiny world of rowing: they're pretty good. And being a lightweight rower is sheer hell. These boys have anorexia down to a science. Ask them about their joint MyFitnessPal accounts where they can track their every calorie down to the very last shred of lettuce. Anyway, this week Connor was free from the scale and got to eat pretty much whatever he wanted, so I made him cookies. He ate about a dozen of them in a very short amount of time. Chalk it up to his starvation diet if you want, but  I prefer to believe it was my incredible cooking abilities. My friend James who ditched us for the dirty Jersey and a race at Rutgers missed out. This recipe is from the Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook. Feel free to add other shit like butterscotch chips or toasted coconut if it makes your heart glad.



Ingredients:
2 c. rolled oats
1 1/2 c. flour
2/3 c. butter, softened
1 c. brown sugar
1/2 c. white sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon (optional)
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
1 c. raisins
1 1/2 c. chocolate chips

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375. Beat the butter on high speed for about 30 seconds until light and fluffy. Add the sugars and beat to combine.

2. Lower the speed to medium and add baking soda, baking powder and cinnamon. Mix well and then add eggs and vanilla.

3. Beat in as much of the flour as you can on low speed, scraping the sides of the bowl. Add oats, raisins and chocolate chips by hand.

4. Drop by rounded spoonfuls onto greased baking sheets. These don't spread too much but don't space them too closely together. Bake for 8-10 minutes or until the edges are a light brown.

Monster Cookie

Peanut butter. White Chocolate. Pretzels. All delicious in their own rights, even better (surprisingly!) when shoved into one gigantic sweet-and-salty, perfect for dunking in a glass of milk cookie. Be prepared to put ungodly amounts of fat into this cookie: 2 full cups of peanut butter and an entire stick of butter. Don't whine about it. Enjoy it. The cookie base itself is super-rich and crumbles/melts/dances in your mouth. I personally think this recipe could use more white chocolate chips but I always advocate for more. I think I might be the world's skinniest glutton? Whatever. I only had one 8-oz bag of chips but if I'd had more, I would have put them in. Also, dark chocolate chips. Maybe mini ones. Always more chocolate. Do not question this. These cookies are sort of obnoxiously labor intensive to shape because of the pretzels, but totally worth it. This recipe makes a lot of cookies if you make them small, and they're pretty rich so keep them golf ball-sized. Tommy and his roommates couldn't eat these fast enough, so consider that your green light.

Notes:

DO NOT overbake these. No one likes burned pretzels and you will probably set off your smoke detector and everyone will hate you.

LET THEM COOL on the baking sheet for at least 5 minutes before you  move them to the wire rack. I got antsy and tried to skip that part and they crumbled and got everywhere and then my cat tried to eat the crumbs which is almost certainly bad for her tiny little cat digestive system. Heed my warning: let them cool.

NO ONE HAS A FUCKING COOKIE SCOOP unless they have a serious Sur La Table fetish so just use your best judgement when shaping. 

Ingredients:

1 stick softened butter, 8 tablespoons

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/2 cup packed light brown sugar

1 cup white chocolate chips, to melt

~2 cups creamy peanut butter (reserve 2 tablespoons to add to melting white chips)

1 large egg

2 teaspoons vanilla

1 1/4 cups all purpose flour   

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon kosher salt

3 cups broken pretzel pieces

1 Cup additional white chocolate chips

1.  Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  Cream butter and sugars until light and fluffy.  Melt white chocolate chips and 2 Tablespoons peanut butter over a double boiler until melted.  Add melted chocolate chips  and remaining peanut butter to beaten butter and sugars.  Beat in egg and vanilla.

2.  Place flour, baking soda and salt in bowl; mix to combine.  Add to wet ingredients until just combined then pour in pretzels and additional white chocolate chips.

3. With a cookie scoop, scoop dough onto a silpat or parchment lined baking sheet.  With the palms of your hand, gently press down each cookie to about 1/2 inch in thickness.

4. Bake for 12-15 minutes or until edges become golden and slightly crisp.  Let cool for 10 minutes on baking sheet before removing.

Makes 3 dozen cookies

Chocolate Espresso Cookies

I love these cookies for many reasons. They melt in your mouth. They make the whole house smell good when you bake them. They're not horribly unhealthy for you. They're super easy. Did I mention they melt in your mouth? Anyway, I highly recommend them. My boyfriend loses his shit when I send them to him and although he is happy with any baked goods, these are by far his favorite. I think these are better when you make them small so you can just eat the whole damn thing at once. These are also vegan because they use olive oil (which is what gives them their great texture) and not butter. See, another vegan cookie recipe that doesn't taste like shit! It's worth using good olive oil when you make these because sometimes cheaper olive oil can make them taste awkwardly like Italian food.


1 2/3 cups flour
1 cup sugar
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 TBS Espresso Powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp cinnamon
3/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 tsp almond extract
3 ounces bittersweet chocolate
Sugar, for rolling

1. Melt the chocolate in the microwave in 30 second intervals.  Set aside and let cool until lukewarm.  Sift together the flour, sugar, cocoa powder, espresso, baking soda, and cinnamon.

2. In a small bowl mix together the olive oil, vanilla and almond extracts.  Add this to the dry mixture.  Add the melted chocolate and stir until the mixture comes together into a uniform mass.

3. Using your hands, roll the dough into ball about 3/4 to 1 inch in diameter. Roll and cover completely in sugar, and place them 2 inches apart on the parchment lined baking sheets. Use your palm to very gently flatten the cookies a bit, as they don’t spread much. Bake the cookies until lightly browned, about 20-25 minutes at 350 degrees. DO NOT OVERBAKE, THE BOTTOMS OF THE COOKIES WILL BURN AND TASTE DISGUSTING.

4. Transfer to a wire rack and let cool completely.

Vegan Cookies -- Not All Gross

I'll be the first to say that generally I hate vegan baked goods. I'm sorry, there's just no replacement for butter and milk. Vegan margarine tastes like shampoo. But I wrote this recipe for legitimately tasty vegan cookies that are also super healthy. Everyone wins! I made these for a good friend of mine who has just about every dietary restriction known to man so these are flour, sugar and butter free. Whatever. They're super easy and super tasty and guilt-free for all you skinny betches out there.

Vegan Cookies:
2 C. rolled oats (or 1 C. granola -- I used Bear Naked Fit which only has 4 grams of sugar and toasted almonds)
1/3 C. dried berries
1 1/2 C. applesauce
2 tbs. molasses
1/4 tsp. cinnamon
Small handful trailmix or any other things you think would taste good.

1. Mix all ingredients together in a large bowl
2. Place on greased cooking sheet, they can be fairly close together because they don't spread.
3. Bake at 350 degrees for 15-18 minutes or until brown around the edges

Makes 2 dozen