Planet of the apricots

Today's blog post brought to you by one very abused blender and the Whole Foods Recipe app. Also a seriously lazy day.

A day when all I want to do is lay in bed and eat Halloween candy and granola bars.

Except the granola bars here in Spain are actually pretty terrible.

So Tommy and I decided to be happy hippies and make our own using the ancient blender at his apartment which got very very warm during the course of its use.

Whoops.

We found this recipe for hemp seed apricot chews on the Whole Foods app and immediately said something along the lines of, "ew effing gross" and "what in the name of Nestle is a hemp seed and why would one eat such a thing."

Then we decided to change the recipe to fit our own purposes (aka not so disgustingly healthy and crunchy) and we came out with a chewy bar that was totally delicious and a lot less expensive than the crappy granola bars I bought at the store here. It was also full of seasonally appropriate autumnal colors. 

Mission accomplished.

The only annoying thing was we had to blend in batches so we didn't set the blender on fire and if we had the magical contraption that is the food processor this would have been a lot easier. So take it from me: use your food processor if you have one.

We liked these a lot better when they were cold than when they were room temperature because they got kind of awkwardly sticky but that was just us. These are also pretty much pure fiber so don't go crazy when you eat them or you might end up one very unhappy camper in the intestinal region and have no one to blame but yourself.

These keep, wrapped tightly in saran or in an airtight container, for about two weeks in the fridge. We cut them into individual squares after chilling them the first time for convenience purposes. This is also one where you can screw with it as much as you like. Use dried cherries or cranberries instead of apricots or add figs or prunes or whatever other dried fruit you'd like. We would've added pecans if they existed in this country but they just don't.

Ingredients:

3 c. dried apricots, roughly chopped

1 c. chopped pitted dates

1 c. walnuts

2 tbs. lemon juice

1 tsp. ground nutmeg

1/2 tsp. ground ginger

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1. Line an 8x8 pan with parchment paper (or use a disposable metal one like we did) and set aside.

2. In a food processor, pulse all ingredients until a chunky paste forms.

 Transfer to the pan and press with a spatula to create an even thickness.

3. Cover and chill until firm, 1 to 2 hours, and then cut into squares for serving.

Slaw no gettum firewood

So extra points to you, dear reader, if you can name what excessively racist Disney movie the title of this blog post comes from.

Ding ding ding! It's Peter Pan!

I watched this awhile ago with one of my good friends and we were totally taken aback at the obvious racism in that movie. From the "Indians" speaking in Pidgin English and calling Wendy "squaw" to the footprints that denote the name of the tribe, Peter Pan is all kinds of messed up. I actually don't think I can watch Peter Pan again because it was so bizarrely off-color.

Attempting to relive stuff from your childhood can sort of screw with you I think.

Anyway, the real reason for the title of this post is that I couldn't think of anything funny to say about this Asian salad slaw I made.

This is the next in the recent line of stupid easy recipes that require no cooking in deference to our East Coast pals slogging it out with Sandy.

Raise your hand if you'd like the entire cast of Jersey Shore to be swept out to sea never to be seen again.

In any case, this would be a lot easier with a food processor or a large plane grater but you can totally make do with a good chef's knife. That way you can also work on your knife skills like I did and remember just how badly it sucks to julienne foods.

FYI: julienne is when you cut a food into equal matchstick-shaped pieces.

This is one of those where you can definitely FFTFW by adding hot chili flakes, more lime juice, salt, grated ginger, radicchio, whatever you think will taste good given the flavor profile. The only thing I don't recommend changing is the type of vinegar (rice wine) because if you use malt vinegar or apple cider vinegar for example, it might taste weird.

This is an excellent accompaniment to a spicy main dish like curry or blackened fish tacos but you could also just grill steak or chicken and throw it on top of the slaw for an entire meal.

This will keep for two or three days in the fridge before it starts to go weird.

Ingredients:

2 medium carrots, peeled

1 large cucumber, peeled

1/4 head green cabbage 

1/4 c. rice wine vinegar

Juice of 2 limes

1/4 tsp. crushed red chili flakes

1/4 tsp. kosher salt

2 tbs. crushed peanuts

1. Cut the vegetables into equal sized pieces (julienne) or use your food processor to grate BUT NOT BLEND them.

2. In a large bowl, combine all the vegetables and peanuts and mix them together well.

3. In a separate bowl, combine the vinegar, lime juice, chili flakes and salt and whisk to combine.

4. Pour the dressing over the salad and toss to coat. Serve immediately with more crushed peanuts for garnish, if desired.

Scandy Sandy

This one goes out to all those on the East Coast who don't have school today thanks to one Hurricane Sandy, including my school (University of Maryland).

This means that Sunday Funday definitely happened last night and everyone is about to lose power today and continue to drink regardless...at least at my school anyway. We have our priorities in order.

Therefore I bring to you a recipe that involves absolutely no cooking at all and that can be made with the general contents of your pantry. Fraternity brothers, this probably excludes you but let this be a lesson to you in grocery shopping.

Spanish peanut butter < American peanut butter

I introduce to you: Balls of Fury.

Okay actually I hate that name but No Bake Energy Bites sounds really healthy and boring and I couldn't think of a hurricane-related name for these things.

Regardless of your inclement weather, these are delicious and very easy to make and you can adjust their health/junk food factor as you wish. I personally advocate for deliciousness over health in the case of these little snacks but if the junk in your trunk begs to differ feel free to do otherwise.

You can also add delicious things like Craisins or chopped nuts to the mix if you're feeling really fancy and/or have recently been to Trader Joe's. If you add more dry ingredients however, make sure to increase the proportion of the wet ingredients so it all sticks together.

And that's really all I've got. It's a simple recipe. I made them for the bus ride to Valencia and they went quickly. Tommy was super into them but he's not exactly a picky eater so take that as you will.

Oh I guess this is of marginal interest: I tried Valencian paella with rabbit, chicken and "vegetables" and honestly I could live a long time without ever eating it again. Not like it was bad but there was more bone than anything else and the rice and vegetables were really overcooked. I'm certainly glad I tried it though, can't go to Spain and not have paella at least once. Our program director and Tommy's Spanish roommate both said that Alicantian paella is far superior and recommended a restaurant for us to try so we might go round two in the near future.

But without further ado...No Bake Balls of Energetic Fury (?)

Ingredients:

1 c. rolled oats
1/2 c. smooth peanut butter
1/4 c. wheat germ
1/4 c. shredded coconut
1 tbs. honey
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1/4 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 c. dark chocolate chips
1/4 c. raisins/Craisins/chopped nuts

1. Put all dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Scoop liquid ingredients on top of dry. Mix together well, incorporating all ingredients and leaving no dry patches at the bottom of the bowl.


2. Chill for 30 minutes and then shape into 1-inch diameter balls. Store in a tightly sealed Tupperware for up to 3 days (they dry out otherwise) but I doubt they'll last that long.

I did it for the cookie

In the Georgetown area of DC, there's a fantastic bakery called Baked and Wired which has unbelievable coffee, cupcakes and other delicious pastries. It's far and away the best cupcakery in DC but doesn't come close to touching the cupcakery I work at in Illinois (Turtle's Cupcakes). They're kind of hipster and crunchy-granola guys there but they make some mean snacks and they usually have a funny sign out front. Once, it said "I did it for the nookie" but nookie was crossed out and replaced with cookie which I personally prefer.

Very few things top a well-made cookie, and most collegiate sexual escapades...you can sit. Hence: I did it for the cookie.

I'm going to be in Valencia, Spain this weekend (apparently home of the best paella in Spain) so I will be silent until Sunday but before I go let me leave you with two things.

The first is a bomb recipe for oatmeal cookies with toasted coconut and chocolate chips.

The second is a warning to never attempt to cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy by hand. Because it's really hard and it sucks. Also don't try to use an immersion blender because it might start smoking like ours did.

This is essentially my favorite oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe from Better Homes and Gardens plus a little coconut toasted in a saucepan.

That being said, these are ridiculously easy and I know you'll want to drunkenly snack on them this weekend because since Halloween falls on a Wednesday this year that means all you lucky American college students get TWO Halloweekends. Your livers are cowering in terror.

Ingredients:
2 1/4 c. rolled oats
1 1/2 (or 2) c. semi sweet chocolate chips
1 2/3 c. flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. kosher salt
1 c. packed brown sugar
3/4 c. white sugar
1 c. (2 sticks) butter
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 c. unsweetend coconut flakes
1/2 c. chopped walnuts (optional)

1. Preheat oven to 375 F. In a small bowl, mix together the oats, chocolate chips, flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt.
2. In a separate bowl, cream the butter and sugars until light and fluffy and then blend the dry ingredients until just incorporated. Beat in the eggs and vanilla.
3. Gently toast the coconut in a small saucepan over low to medium heat, stirring often with a spatula, until golden brown and fragrant. Fold into the batter along with the nuts if you're using them.
4. Drop by the tablespoon onto a greased baking sheet and bake for about 9-12 minutes or until golden brown around the edges. You want them slightly chewy.

Spike this

In honor of the Bears now being 5 and 1 and Skip Bayless tweeting that barring injury our Superbowl chances just keep getting better and better, I write today about spiked and spicy cider.

Also because in the poll I posted, 7 out of 8 people voted to see an alcoholic beverage make its way onto Bite Me. My readers are all seemingly booze-soaked college students, and I'm okay with that.

This cider reminds me of two things, the first of which is the deliciously nonalcoholic cider my mom makes in the fall and the horrifically alcoholic cider a fraternity at my school makes for an enormous tailgate they have every year.

Mine is a happy marriage of the two with the holy water that is bourbon. It's also stupid easy to make (just one step!) but looks and smells very impressive so I highly recommend it for large parties. It will almost certainly make an appearance at my highly exclusive and invitation only gingerbread house party that I host every winter break. Be jealous.

Anyway, I made this for a friend's birthday party last weekend and it went over a storm but BE WARNED: this shit is Special Olympics in a festive mug. You think it's not that strong because you get distracted by the cinnamony goodness and orange slices floating in your face and then 45 minutes later you're having an in-depth conversation with someone about why you named your first cat after a German composer and why the  Evil Queen in Snow White was so evil.

Without further ado...spiked and spicy cider.

Ingredients:
1 bottle of apple juice (preferably without added sugars and not from concentrate)
1/2 orange, sliced
2 cinnamon sticks
4 or 5 whole cloves
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1 c. bourbon (I like Knob Creek but it's up to you. Feel free to add more or less to taste.)

1. Combine all ingredients in a large pot on the stove top and stir to combine. Let simmer over low heat for about 20 or 30 minutes until fragrant and serve.

Scone cold crazy

Deceptively good looking.

So, if you follow @BiteMeBlog (which you absolutely should if you don't already because it's really mostly those pornstars who follow everyone on twitter and like 8 of my friends plus my boyfriend's kind mother) you know by now that I experimented with gluten free baking today.

AND IT SUCKED.

I wasted 2 whole cups of almond flour because this dumb recipe I found called for 1 teaspoon of salt in these herbed scones and you know what it was just way too much. As stated on @BiteMeBlog these stupid scones taste like seawater and rosemary. Not appetizing.

The texture was fine; a little heavy because obviously almond flour doesn't have a leavening agent but it wasn't terrible. They're definitely better warm than cold but I have a sneaking suspicion they will turn rock hard when I try to microwave them.

I'm still going to eat the by the way because that almond flour is freakin' pricey.

Damn you internet. Damn you.

So let this be a lesson to us all: do not blindly follow random recipes you find on the internet. Unless, of course, they're from this site in which case do blindly follow them because they're all damn excellent if I do say so myself.

And I will make these scones again, just with some minor changes. Maybe with some cinnamon or nutmeg in there and some vanilla extract for breakfasting purposes? Who knows. Just a lot less salt, that's for sure.

Maybe I can convince Tommy to eat some of them before he sees this post and refuses point blank.

Oh by the way, you can get almond flour at any health food store and probably at well-stocked grocery stores too. I think Bob's Red Mill flours sells it. Also obviously Whole Foods and Trader Joe's.

Ingredients:
2 c. almond flour
1/4 tsp. salt
1 tsp. fresh thyme
1 tsp. fresh rosemary
1/4 tsp. dried basil
1 tsp. baking soda
2 eggs

1. Preheat the oven to 375 Fahrenheit.

2. In a large bowl combine all the ingredients except for the eggs and whisk to combine.

3. In a separate bowl, lightly beat the eggs and then add to the almond flour mixture and stir until combined and it makes a batter.

4. Divide the batter up into about 10 or so scones and place on a greased (or non-stick) baking sheet. Bake for about 12 minutes or until tops of scones are a light golden-brown.

Aw nuts

HAPPY DOUBLE FEATURE DAY.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, two brand new recipes in one day thanks to the crappy weather here in Alicante. Everyone said before we left that it doesn't rain here. Hardly ever. Think twice a year. It's rained three times since we got here and always on the weekend. Um.

Anyway, I'm really into making snacks with whole nuts nowadays because they're not only Paleo diet friendly, they keep me full and they have good calories in them. What I really want is a friggin chocolate filled croissant but my sense of self preservation deters me.

So I made fried almonds instead.

With tons of fresh thyme that I got for free at the Mercado Central.

Life's easier when you bat your eyelashes and tell the vendor you need to practice your Spanish.

And cheaper.

This recipe actually originates from the one and only Martha Stewart who may be a moron (and looks terrible in orange) but knows how to make some damned good snack food.

Another fun point: this recipe takes about 15 minutes and has only 5 ingredients. I am all about that kind of convenience.

Besides being a great snack food, these would also be nice for a fancy appetizer if you ever have dinner parties or any other classy things like that.

Ingredients:

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 cups whole blanched almonds
2 tablespoons fresh thyme
Coarse salt and freshly ground pepper

1. Heat oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add almonds and cook, stirring occasionally, until fragrant and light golden, 10-12 minutes.

2. Stir in thyme and remove from heat. Add salt and pepper to taste, then pour onto a rimmed baking sheet to cool completely. Once cool, store in an airtight container for up to two weeks.