Can't cook? Read this.
I just realized that people reading this (in the vain hope that someone besides my dad/best friend/boyfriend is actually doing so) might not really know how to cook. At all. In any case, here's a quick and dirty of basic cooking shit you need to know:
tsp -- teaspoon
tbs -- tablespoon
c -- cup
FFTFW -- Feel Free To Futz With This, or, You May Improvise
Always measure things like flour, baking soda/powder exactly. If you screw these things up, whatever you are cooking or baking will suck. Always.
Follow directions like 'sift' or 'spooned and leveled' for things like flour. If you don't, the texture of whatever you're cooking won't be right.
Make sure the butter you use is exactly the temperature called for in the recipe. It's important.
Overmix things with flour in them. Whatever it is will end up tough and only your best friends will eat it and you will be embarrassed.
Open the oven door a hundred times to check on whatever is in there. Oven lights are there for a reason. You will change the internal temperature of the oven and potentially screw up what you're cooking.
Be afraid to improvise a little bit. Once you've been cooking for awhile and you know what flavors go well together, throw in a dash of chili flakes or a squeeze of citrus. You might be pleasantly surprised.